we received our first two Christmas gifts! one was 3 blouses and a bag and i excitedly tried the blouses on. perfect! the other one came with other gifts that were for my in-laws. mine was a bottle of spices na dadagdagan nalang ng vinegar for a fabulous homemade spiced vinegar. for my in-laws, pulvoron and yema :)
i thought i felt okay upon receiving this second gift, pero after a few hours and into the night i suddenly felt an urge to cry. hindi ko alam kung bakit! nanonood pa ako ng comedy show nun a. i turned the TV off and went out of the room to the kitchen where the Hub was fabricating and weighing our meat supply for the next days. on his sympathetic "why?" i wanted to bawl, but i didn't know why so i felt silly letting it out.
today, i find out why. i was crying because i felt the deprivation of not receiving the pastry gifts that i saw along with our second gift, the one for my in-laws. when my hub said "no, that's for mom and tita", i said "oh okay!" yun pala i was hurt. today, with a clearer mind and a much lesser craving (i received the second gift near evening time, the time most of my cravings happen), i realize that there's another hurdle - the depression of not being able to eat goody gifts.
in the past holidays, i would look forward to these gifts and devour them the moment i received them (well, the good ones hehe). i felt so loved by the givers and i felt so important. gifts of food were valuable to me and i would be so happy to receive them and eat them. my Christmas was made happy with these goodies.
the Hub and i made our Christmas festivity plans early. we would choose which Christmas parties we would attend so that we won't have to eat so much so often. we accepted the fact that we would eat some bawal na food, but we are realistic to say that we would watch our portions, not eat pork, eat lean meat, balance our meals, and work out after a relatively hefty meal. by relatively we mean allowing ourselves about 100 grams more than what we usually eat since the healthy lifestyle change. we both declare a bawal food that we would allow ourselves to eat during our two-day anniversary celebration next month - mine are tofu chips from Chimara which i love especially while watching movies ("i will buy the medium pack and munch while walking at Ayala Triangle) and hopia from goldilocks.
happily, Hub and i would have these conversations. we had a good plan!
i also advised friends not to gift me with cookies or pastries, but Sarsi light and small washington apples.
pero bakit ako naiyak when we received the 2nd gift? .... i realize that it's the reality that Christmas celebration won't be the same for me anymore.
pero, nahimasmasan na ako ;)
indeed, Christmas won't be the same for me from now on. on this occasion, one of only two which i am OA about and make a big deal of, i will no longer associate the celebration with overindulgence. i will count my blessings loudly, and with no constipation, dizziness, or discomfort. as i watch the fireworks i shall stare at my feet which i am now able to see in full while standing. i will jump and dance without fear of arthritis. i shall laugh with my friends and enjoy bonding with them while drinking bottomless water, happy and confident as they for sure will notice how much more beautiful i have become. i will sleep soundly.... with less sounds from the snore. i will still drool at the Christmas feasts, but i will eat vicariously, happily remembering that i will reach my desired weight next year and will be able to work out more while i eat small portions of spaghetti. i shall revel and yell "Merry Christmas!" knowing that i have become wiser in choosing my food and food portions, and in feeling in my heart and soul what it is to be a temple of the Lord.
thank you God, for your gift of life! thank you for the things you allow us to enjoy! thank you for being my Prime Mover into the best version of me.
Maligayang Pasko!
Martes, Disyembre 13, 2011
Martes, Disyembre 6, 2011
Happiness
isang buwan ko palang natitikman uli ang kape na walang creamer or milk. minsan pagtapos ko magtimpla, bumalik ang mga masasayang alaala nang maamoy ko ang kape.
miss na miss ko ang luto ng nanay ko (who is now bedridden, yet still so blessed). lahat ng lutuin nya, masarap at masustansya. hindi siya gumagamit ng kahit na anong artificial na pampalasa hanggang naging medyo weak na sya and she had to resort to the chicken cubes.
we'd pick vegetables from our backyard and she would make the best inabraw with bagoong straight from ilocos. she'd cook adobo using pork so fresh, it would seem as if she interviewed the pig about its diet prior to slaughter. she would make fried chicken without breading - toyo and calamansi lang - ang never burnt, overcooked, or undercooked. her dinuguan was the best - parang vegetarian yung pinanggalingan ng dugo. and the best part of these all was, she would call us to dinner just as the food is cooked. bagong hango. oh how we'd slurp the inabraw broth which was our amuse bouche!
pag may okasyon, kambingan yun. she would call her nephews and brothers to bring a live kambing. sila mismo ang kakatay kasi mom is very particular with the manner. plenty a saturday morning i would wake up to the pleasant smell of goat being grilled! i would only go downstairs and into the backyard after i've matched the smells to the food in my mind, and as i go downstairs the images come to life - kaldereta, kilawin, sopas - ang sasarap lahat at walang anggo whatsoever!
ang unang una kong gagawin e mag safety sa tupperware at babaunin ko sa school kinalunesan. syempre pa-sikatan ng baon "ano'ng baon mo?" "hotdog" "fried chicken" at ako? "KAMBING!" hahahaha pinagtatawanan ako ng mga ignorante hah! walang humihingi ng baon ko burrrrrppppp. to this day i cannot find one place or person who can cook kambing like my mother did.
ay onga pala. yung kwento ng kape. homemade parin ng mommy! she made coffee out of roasted rice aysos walang katulad. yun ang lagi naming baon pag bumabyahe kami ng gabi aboard a farinas bus papuntang ilocos. ayaw ni mommy na sumakay ako ng six by six or maria de leon bus na hindi aircon. kaming dalawa lang ang nasa farinas. ayaw din nyang kumain kami kung saan saan twing stop over. she would bring adobong manok and rice, water, and... the rice coffee. she would store them in a thermos, timplado na ng asukal. as most of the passengers go down to eat, we would remain in the bus and devour our baon. ito na yata ang pinakamasarap na pagkain at pinakamagandang dining experience ko sa buong buhay ko.
susubuan pako ni mommy, she would insist kasi madudumihan daw kamay ko. hala dalaga nako nun a. no matter what age and size i've become, i was always her bunso.
kahit anong luto ko, hinding hindi ko mapaparisan ang luto ni mommy na may magic touch (yung hindi binubudbod). kahit yung mga luto nyang McGyver (tira tira na ginawang bago) ang sarap parin sobra. hindi marangya ang buhay namin, minsan pa nga tinatawag ko syang kuripot. pero eto, nakaratay si mommy pero she and dad did not leave us with debt. we live in a house that's fully-paid.
dati, pagkain ang kaligayahan ko. lalo't malungkot ako, ang lakas kong kumain. today, with our healthy lifestyle change, i realize that food has always been part of my happy times but the real happiness was times with loved ones. i am now one month into making more happy times like these.
i love you mommy. thank you for always being my happiness. thank you for cooking for me and making your food part of the memories. thank you that you're still here, reminding me of what true happiness is.
thank you God, for giving me strength and wisdom to eat like i never used to, so that now my eyes are opened to the true sources of my happiness.
miss na miss ko ang luto ng nanay ko (who is now bedridden, yet still so blessed). lahat ng lutuin nya, masarap at masustansya. hindi siya gumagamit ng kahit na anong artificial na pampalasa hanggang naging medyo weak na sya and she had to resort to the chicken cubes.
we'd pick vegetables from our backyard and she would make the best inabraw with bagoong straight from ilocos. she'd cook adobo using pork so fresh, it would seem as if she interviewed the pig about its diet prior to slaughter. she would make fried chicken without breading - toyo and calamansi lang - ang never burnt, overcooked, or undercooked. her dinuguan was the best - parang vegetarian yung pinanggalingan ng dugo. and the best part of these all was, she would call us to dinner just as the food is cooked. bagong hango. oh how we'd slurp the inabraw broth which was our amuse bouche!
pag may okasyon, kambingan yun. she would call her nephews and brothers to bring a live kambing. sila mismo ang kakatay kasi mom is very particular with the manner. plenty a saturday morning i would wake up to the pleasant smell of goat being grilled! i would only go downstairs and into the backyard after i've matched the smells to the food in my mind, and as i go downstairs the images come to life - kaldereta, kilawin, sopas - ang sasarap lahat at walang anggo whatsoever!
ang unang una kong gagawin e mag safety sa tupperware at babaunin ko sa school kinalunesan. syempre pa-sikatan ng baon "ano'ng baon mo?" "hotdog" "fried chicken" at ako? "KAMBING!" hahahaha pinagtatawanan ako ng mga ignorante hah! walang humihingi ng baon ko burrrrrppppp. to this day i cannot find one place or person who can cook kambing like my mother did.
ay onga pala. yung kwento ng kape. homemade parin ng mommy! she made coffee out of roasted rice aysos walang katulad. yun ang lagi naming baon pag bumabyahe kami ng gabi aboard a farinas bus papuntang ilocos. ayaw ni mommy na sumakay ako ng six by six or maria de leon bus na hindi aircon. kaming dalawa lang ang nasa farinas. ayaw din nyang kumain kami kung saan saan twing stop over. she would bring adobong manok and rice, water, and... the rice coffee. she would store them in a thermos, timplado na ng asukal. as most of the passengers go down to eat, we would remain in the bus and devour our baon. ito na yata ang pinakamasarap na pagkain at pinakamagandang dining experience ko sa buong buhay ko.
susubuan pako ni mommy, she would insist kasi madudumihan daw kamay ko. hala dalaga nako nun a. no matter what age and size i've become, i was always her bunso.
kahit anong luto ko, hinding hindi ko mapaparisan ang luto ni mommy na may magic touch (yung hindi binubudbod). kahit yung mga luto nyang McGyver (tira tira na ginawang bago) ang sarap parin sobra. hindi marangya ang buhay namin, minsan pa nga tinatawag ko syang kuripot. pero eto, nakaratay si mommy pero she and dad did not leave us with debt. we live in a house that's fully-paid.
dati, pagkain ang kaligayahan ko. lalo't malungkot ako, ang lakas kong kumain. today, with our healthy lifestyle change, i realize that food has always been part of my happy times but the real happiness was times with loved ones. i am now one month into making more happy times like these.
i love you mommy. thank you for always being my happiness. thank you for cooking for me and making your food part of the memories. thank you that you're still here, reminding me of what true happiness is.
thank you God, for giving me strength and wisdom to eat like i never used to, so that now my eyes are opened to the true sources of my happiness.
Martes, Nobyembre 29, 2011
Kim
nag picture-picture-an kami ng church group ko sa isang outreach program lately, and excited ako sa pictures. i felt really good that day! ang gaan gaan ng feeling ko having lost 16 pounds so far :) halos malaglag na pantalon ko.... hindi sa luwag......naglagay kasi ako ng mansanas sa bulsa. hindi ako nagdala ng bag kaya nagbulsa ako pati ng cellphone, twalya, pera, skyflakes, martilyo, lababo, lagare...kahit anong hitit kong mag stomach in ayaw parin malaglag pantalon ko e. kainis.
ang saya nung outreach namin. naalala ko nanaman kung gano ako ka blessed. at ang isa pang masaya, nung nag kainan na sa chowking, dalawang beef siomai na walang balat atchaka isang order ng kangkong na walang bagoong lang ang kinain ko yehey! at ang mga kaharap ko e mga growing boys and girls na kung lumafang e..... tapos ampapayat......kainis.
eto na. naglabasan ang pictures! nakangiti akong nag download pero mabilis itong napalitan ng pagka-nganga...... ang jubis ko!!!!!! ang tatlong palapag kong bilbil e parang icon ng gulong na sosyal. ang fez ko a parang hopiang inapakan. ang mga braso ko e parang hita. kainis.
sobrang na depress ako, halos ayoko na kumain. kulang pa ba? dapat ba todo nako sa exercise kahit medyo mahilu-hilo ako? dapat ba nilagang papel nalang forever ang lafangin ko? syempre, biktima nanaman ng ungot ko si Hub.
"dahan-dahan lang talaga ang weight loss" sabi ni Hub, pero inisnab ko sya kasi gusto kong sagutin na "palibhasa ikaw kitang-kita na weight loss mo". "nag lose ka na nga ng 16 pounds atchaka ayan o (hugged me) numipis ka na". to which i replied in a high voice "talaga?" (high voice kasi ang higpit ng yakap nya hah hah hah hangin).
onga naman.
nag weigh kasi ako sa mercury drug, yung hinuhulugan ng limampiso. kinabahan ako nung una kasi nagsasalita ang weighing scale - at anlakas ng boses! baka maiskandalo ang mga makakarinig ng "YOU WEIGH TCHOO HAAAAANNNDRED PIFTY TAWSAN PAUUUUUUNDS" at mapatingin sakin! o di kaya e mag ala pugad baboy weighing scale at pagtuntong ko e sabihing "one at a time pleyezzzzzz". tense! buti nalang, print out lang ang ebidensya ng weight reading at kung anu ano pa hehe.
dun ko na-realize na pumayat nga talaga ako. di ako masyadong nakumbinse ng mga lumuluwang kong underwear, t-shirt na nasusuot ko na uli, at pants at shorts na lumuwang. skeptic parin ako until i weighed. lagi kong rason kasi e "ah, lumuluwang siguro kasi malamig ang panahon" o di kaya "lumuluwang siguro kasi makukulong si gloria".
kaya kahit may moments akong naiinip pumayat nang super obvious na at talagang sexy nako sa pictures, inalala ko nalang ang mga supporters ko na gaya ni Hub, and my friends and family. realistic na din ako sa goal ko. kung kim delos santos ka, wag na mag ambisyong maging kim chiu. kimmy/dora pwede na.
ang saya nung outreach namin. naalala ko nanaman kung gano ako ka blessed. at ang isa pang masaya, nung nag kainan na sa chowking, dalawang beef siomai na walang balat atchaka isang order ng kangkong na walang bagoong lang ang kinain ko yehey! at ang mga kaharap ko e mga growing boys and girls na kung lumafang e..... tapos ampapayat......kainis.
eto na. naglabasan ang pictures! nakangiti akong nag download pero mabilis itong napalitan ng pagka-nganga...... ang jubis ko!!!!!! ang tatlong palapag kong bilbil e parang icon ng gulong na sosyal. ang fez ko a parang hopiang inapakan. ang mga braso ko e parang hita. kainis.
sobrang na depress ako, halos ayoko na kumain. kulang pa ba? dapat ba todo nako sa exercise kahit medyo mahilu-hilo ako? dapat ba nilagang papel nalang forever ang lafangin ko? syempre, biktima nanaman ng ungot ko si Hub.
"dahan-dahan lang talaga ang weight loss" sabi ni Hub, pero inisnab ko sya kasi gusto kong sagutin na "palibhasa ikaw kitang-kita na weight loss mo". "nag lose ka na nga ng 16 pounds atchaka ayan o (hugged me) numipis ka na". to which i replied in a high voice "talaga?" (high voice kasi ang higpit ng yakap nya hah hah hah hangin).
onga naman.
nag weigh kasi ako sa mercury drug, yung hinuhulugan ng limampiso. kinabahan ako nung una kasi nagsasalita ang weighing scale - at anlakas ng boses! baka maiskandalo ang mga makakarinig ng "YOU WEIGH TCHOO HAAAAANNNDRED PIFTY TAWSAN PAUUUUUUNDS" at mapatingin sakin! o di kaya e mag ala pugad baboy weighing scale at pagtuntong ko e sabihing "one at a time pleyezzzzzz". tense! buti nalang, print out lang ang ebidensya ng weight reading at kung anu ano pa hehe.
dun ko na-realize na pumayat nga talaga ako. di ako masyadong nakumbinse ng mga lumuluwang kong underwear, t-shirt na nasusuot ko na uli, at pants at shorts na lumuwang. skeptic parin ako until i weighed. lagi kong rason kasi e "ah, lumuluwang siguro kasi malamig ang panahon" o di kaya "lumuluwang siguro kasi makukulong si gloria".
kaya kahit may moments akong naiinip pumayat nang super obvious na at talagang sexy nako sa pictures, inalala ko nalang ang mga supporters ko na gaya ni Hub, and my friends and family. realistic na din ako sa goal ko. kung kim delos santos ka, wag na mag ambisyong maging kim chiu. kimmy/dora pwede na.
Lunes, Nobyembre 21, 2011
yung hindi nakaka-praning
second lunch-out namin! this time we went to a shabu shabu restaurant.
like our first lunch-out, more time is spent looking at the menu choosing healthy. hindi kami na-distract sa dami ng pagpipilian kundi.....sa katabi naming pagka bait bait to share their table with us, pero ang kapalit pala e pagka lakas lakas na kwentuhan nila. magkalayo nga naman kasi ang magkaharap na kumakain. pero wow, di na nila kelangan ng telepono para balitaan nila yung nanay nilang nasa dagupan.
di na namin kelangan ng chicharon, kasi ang lutong ng boses nung babae ("kelangan na natin dumaLAW kina mommy baka mapiTIK na tayo sa teNGA!").
nung medyo humupa ang kwentuhan nila - ang galing nila ha ambilis nila kumain at the same time at ni minsan e di sila nabulol, gumaralgal, o naging muffled sa pagsasalita - um-order na si Hub. we ended up with the beef na set menu.
ibinuhos na ang sabaw sa mga kaldero namin at habang hinihintay namin ang in-order e nilabas na namin ang aming apples and crackers.
tinikman namin ang sabaw, uy, a little saltier than what we've been used to since the eating plan, pero pwede na rin. hindi namin dinagdag yung dark sauce na pampadagdag-alat. they then served the condiments.....
.... na hinelera namin sa tabi kasi hindi namin gagamitin. ambilis nung waiter di namin nasabing wag na e. pero teka. UY may itlog. pwede samin yan! pero pang breakfast. "i-take home natin!".... hala mag take home daw ng itlog na hilaw! pwes... nilaga namin yung itlog sa kumukulo nang sabaw hahahaha.
tinimplahan na din namin ng konting garlic, spring onions, and chili yung sabaw namin. ang sarap!!! ok, ready na kami. fight!
edi dumating na ang mga gulay-gulay etc. casting time....
hindi kasi lahat ng klase ng gulay kasama sa eating plan namin. may portioning din. so sa isang kumpol na non-meat food na ito, ang nilaga lang namin e yung pechay at repolyo (approx 100 grams each). dumating na yung karne. ang dami! dalawa nito ang order namin. teka, 130 grams lang ang allowed satin. daming masasayang!
e teka wala naman palang sayang. kulang meron. 100 grams lang ata 'tong karneng to. ang ninipis ng hiwa kaya kala mo woooowwww dami! hahaha. pag nilagay mo sa harap ng mukha mo ang isa nito, kita mo kung ano'ng pangalan at klase ng kape nung nasa katabing istarbak. ang tawag ko sa serving ng karne na to e "what you see is what you get", kasi kung ano yang nakikita mo sa picture, yan na yun. repolyo ang nasa ilalim nyan hahaha. pag nilagay mo na ang karne sa kumukulong sabaw... wag kang kukurap!
like our first lunch-out, more time is spent looking at the menu choosing healthy. hindi kami na-distract sa dami ng pagpipilian kundi.....sa katabi naming pagka bait bait to share their table with us, pero ang kapalit pala e pagka lakas lakas na kwentuhan nila. magkalayo nga naman kasi ang magkaharap na kumakain. pero wow, di na nila kelangan ng telepono para balitaan nila yung nanay nilang nasa dagupan.
di na namin kelangan ng chicharon, kasi ang lutong ng boses nung babae ("kelangan na natin dumaLAW kina mommy baka mapiTIK na tayo sa teNGA!").
nung medyo humupa ang kwentuhan nila - ang galing nila ha ambilis nila kumain at the same time at ni minsan e di sila nabulol, gumaralgal, o naging muffled sa pagsasalita - um-order na si Hub. we ended up with the beef na set menu.
ibinuhos na ang sabaw sa mga kaldero namin at habang hinihintay namin ang in-order e nilabas na namin ang aming apples and crackers.
edi dumating na ang mga gulay-gulay etc. casting time....
kasi ilang segundo lang, matutunaw ang karne sa tubig! hahahaha UY! asan na yung karne? binulsa mo ba? baka nasa langit na hahahah ganun sya kanipis meyng.
in fairness, this is one healthy meal that we enjoyed much. very filling ang sabaw at walang ka praning-an na nangyari sa shabu shabu na ito (masyado atang maraming mantika! nako, may inihaw kayang pork sa pinag-ihawan nitong fish? bakit tingin nang tingin sa bag ko 'tong mamang to?) dahil it was really meant to be a healthier way of eating in the first place. we just had to choose our vegetables and meat.
tinake-home namin yung mga hindi namin kinain na gulay, tofu, fish balls, kani, and noodles. ke babait nila't binaunan din kami nung sabaw at mga pampalasa. inuwi namin sa sister ko na tuwang-tuwa "ey... bakit luto na yung itlog?"
bago umalis, may libreng discount card pa for the next visit!
babalik! babalik!
sana ang makatabi namin next time e di maingay. di maingay magkwentuhan at humigop :)
Biyernes, Nobyembre 18, 2011
weh- kasalanan ba?
thank you so much for my slew of supporters dito sa healthy lifestyle change namin ni Hub. damang dama ko ang prayers ninyo whenever i get tired of what i'm eating or whenever i see my trigger foods on tv. kung hindi sa inyong lahat, tumalembong na ko't naglupasay habang naka-ngangang nag-aantay ng sokolet na mahuhulog sa puno ng refnangeeba (refrigerator ng iba).
so far, so good. lumuluwang na ang mga singsing ko :) kahit may time limit ang energy ko, dumoble ang aking walk and skip and i can do more physical things around the house. nag-iiba na daw hitchura ng mukha ko, ang saya ko! sana soon mawala tong pangalawang mukha ko na nakapatong sa original kong baba. pag niyayakap ako ni Hub, numinipis daw ako. hindi na daw ako malakas humilik hehe.
anlaki din ng development ni Hub. all of the above! ang pinakamasaya at nakaka inspire sakin e kumakain na sya ng gulay at prutas. mula nang makilala ko sya, normal sight sakin ang nagdadabog kainin ang pechay at repolyo sa tinola. ngayon, bawa't main meal kumakain kami pareho ng gulay. twing kagat nya pati sa mansanas, para akong kinikilig na eba minus the muwahahahahaha ng orig na eba ni adan.
among those who know of our healthy lifestyle change, may mangilan-ngilang .... hm... hindi supportive. balak kaming tiwalagin with temptations of the mind. yung iba naman, nabubuset na libre naming nakuha ang diet na 'to at hindi gumastos ng limpak limpak na konti nalang e pang down na ng kotse.
our Cohen diet came from a friend months ago, and we appreciate him so much!!! his lifestyle and weight are pretty much like ours, closer to the Hub's. voracious eater din, mataas din ang chole at asuks sa dugo. may bone situation din gaya ko. i was hesitant at first, kasi according to its makers, the diet is based on one's blood chem so super super absolutely individualized.
binasa namin ang diet nya and the bottom line was - it made a lot of sense. pano kang hindi magiging mas healthy kung babaan mo ang sugar and salt intake mo at kakain ka ng balanced meal? ala naman silang pinapainom na kung anu anong gamot o pinapa pahid na bertud na dinadasalan ni apong art na kumakausap sa dwende. ekspalanado naman kung bakit kailangang umiwas sa ganito't ganyan - actually matagal na nating nababasa ang mga explanation na ito.
eto pa. nung nagtanong kami sa 2 or 3 others already in the diet, aba'y halos pareho lang ang eating plan kahit magkaiba kami ng blood type (at siguradong magkaiba ng blood chemistry). kung may pagkakaiba man, siguro yung pangalan namin.
edi subukan diba diba diba? di naman kasalanan.
if our friend was kind enough to spare us the cost, and if we find no odds, nothing wrong. kaya nag-umpisa na kami and we are now on day 12! nagbabantay kami kung may adverse effects like unexpected panghihina, laging pagkahilo (lalo na ko't mataas sugar ko), pagiging restless, nagpapawis ng malamig, hindi maka-isip ng matino (pag ginugutom ko sarili ko di ako makapag-trabaho)... e apart from the first day na expected ang panghihina, we're fine naman.
i realize that i am one big proof that the eating plan works, if i get to my ideal weight and maintain it. kaya i know friends will ask for the eating plan. pero in all respect for our friend who shared his Cohen plan with us, i will share the same general thing lang - eat a balanced meal, watch your portions, don't eat too late at night, don't skip meals, and don't make puyat. yung exercise, wala pako dun hehe walking walking muna ng pasaglit saglit with my beloved dog.
thank you thank you friend-who-shared-Cohen-with-us! your heart is so kind that you did not keep the good news to yourself. i respect those who will not do as he did (hindi biro ang binayaran n'yo ha!), but be happy nalang for the recipients of this kindness. sa mga gaya kong mabibiyayaan ng ganito, please check commonalities between you and your giver para mas safe, and watch out for tell tale signs that the eating plan is not for you.
hindi pako nakakabili ng weighing scale. medida muna kaya?
so far, so good. lumuluwang na ang mga singsing ko :) kahit may time limit ang energy ko, dumoble ang aking walk and skip and i can do more physical things around the house. nag-iiba na daw hitchura ng mukha ko, ang saya ko! sana soon mawala tong pangalawang mukha ko na nakapatong sa original kong baba. pag niyayakap ako ni Hub, numinipis daw ako. hindi na daw ako malakas humilik hehe.
anlaki din ng development ni Hub. all of the above! ang pinakamasaya at nakaka inspire sakin e kumakain na sya ng gulay at prutas. mula nang makilala ko sya, normal sight sakin ang nagdadabog kainin ang pechay at repolyo sa tinola. ngayon, bawa't main meal kumakain kami pareho ng gulay. twing kagat nya pati sa mansanas, para akong kinikilig na eba minus the muwahahahahaha ng orig na eba ni adan.
among those who know of our healthy lifestyle change, may mangilan-ngilang .... hm... hindi supportive. balak kaming tiwalagin with temptations of the mind. yung iba naman, nabubuset na libre naming nakuha ang diet na 'to at hindi gumastos ng limpak limpak na konti nalang e pang down na ng kotse.
our Cohen diet came from a friend months ago, and we appreciate him so much!!! his lifestyle and weight are pretty much like ours, closer to the Hub's. voracious eater din, mataas din ang chole at asuks sa dugo. may bone situation din gaya ko. i was hesitant at first, kasi according to its makers, the diet is based on one's blood chem so super super absolutely individualized.
binasa namin ang diet nya and the bottom line was - it made a lot of sense. pano kang hindi magiging mas healthy kung babaan mo ang sugar and salt intake mo at kakain ka ng balanced meal? ala naman silang pinapainom na kung anu anong gamot o pinapa pahid na bertud na dinadasalan ni apong art na kumakausap sa dwende. ekspalanado naman kung bakit kailangang umiwas sa ganito't ganyan - actually matagal na nating nababasa ang mga explanation na ito.
eto pa. nung nagtanong kami sa 2 or 3 others already in the diet, aba'y halos pareho lang ang eating plan kahit magkaiba kami ng blood type (at siguradong magkaiba ng blood chemistry). kung may pagkakaiba man, siguro yung pangalan namin.
edi subukan diba diba diba? di naman kasalanan.
if our friend was kind enough to spare us the cost, and if we find no odds, nothing wrong. kaya nag-umpisa na kami and we are now on day 12! nagbabantay kami kung may adverse effects like unexpected panghihina, laging pagkahilo (lalo na ko't mataas sugar ko), pagiging restless, nagpapawis ng malamig, hindi maka-isip ng matino (pag ginugutom ko sarili ko di ako makapag-trabaho)... e apart from the first day na expected ang panghihina, we're fine naman.
i realize that i am one big proof that the eating plan works, if i get to my ideal weight and maintain it. kaya i know friends will ask for the eating plan. pero in all respect for our friend who shared his Cohen plan with us, i will share the same general thing lang - eat a balanced meal, watch your portions, don't eat too late at night, don't skip meals, and don't make puyat. yung exercise, wala pako dun hehe walking walking muna ng pasaglit saglit with my beloved dog.
thank you thank you friend-who-shared-Cohen-with-us! your heart is so kind that you did not keep the good news to yourself. i respect those who will not do as he did (hindi biro ang binayaran n'yo ha!), but be happy nalang for the recipients of this kindness. sa mga gaya kong mabibiyayaan ng ganito, please check commonalities between you and your giver para mas safe, and watch out for tell tale signs that the eating plan is not for you.
hindi pako nakakabili ng weighing scale. medida muna kaya?
Martes, Nobyembre 15, 2011
Full Surround
it was our first weekend in the healthy lifestyle change and we had our usual breakfast before going to church. midweek last week, i was already thinking (dreading) ... how will our weekend go?
we'd usually spend sundays skipping breakfast in preparation for the treat we were going to give ourselves after church - a hearty lunch complete from apps to dessert, a quick stroll in the mall, a movie probably (with my favorite f4 popcorn or sour cream and chives tofu chips), another hearty merienda, and food to take home (usually bread) for my favorite sunday afternoon shows.
after church, we decided to go to kenny rogers, the only one we remember to have healthy options. we parked on the other end of the mall kasi the part directly below the resto was already full. eto na.....dinaanan namin ang mga sari-saring litrato at amoy ng mga pagkain! the sound of cutlery and chewing was in full surround and the smells stuck to our hair. what went on in my brain was, "that's what i used to eat. and that. and that. and that. oh! and that!"...
for the first time, i didn't feel sorry for myself, and this is the first time i have ever declared that in all honesty. it's true pala what has been said na it's the changing of one's mind, one's way of thinking, that really creates change. i know why i eat what i eat now.
ang isa pang importanteng first time sakin, i was not resentful of the families (kain nang kain may tinatago namang away), the mag-syotas (lilipas din 'yan), the fellow obese (hala sige.. tapos wag ka magpa check-up ha), and the young skinnies (pagtanda mo sisingilin ka nyang nilalafang mong pagkalaki laking hamborjer), who were happily eating - associated sa happiness talaga ang pagkain lalo na sa ating mga Pinoy. we live to eat. okasyon talaga sa atin ang pag-kain.
at kenny rogers, we made sure to look at the menu prior to entering. we ordered the lo-calorie meal, just one order of grilled fish. "low salt please, and don't include the rice". we also ordered the roasted chicken salad, "dressing on the side please". we took out our skyflakes oat and removed the other vegetables and cheese from our meal. for dessert, one can of pepsi light each.
we enjoyed the meal! i didn't have to sacrifice thinking na i had to eat that way because i wanted to lose weight - nasarapan ako talaga! i guess the eating plan takes care of my taste buds and cravings as well.
our gimik after lunch was the Hub getting our next week's stash in the grocery store. i would usually hang around bread talk or some other food shop to nibble (haha nibble daw o) or i would join him and put many feel-good goodies in the cart. but last sunday, i went to the appliance center and the hardware store :) i was smiling all the way and i knew so because people were smiling back.
on our way home, i saw more evidences na matindi talaga ang ikot ng buhay na may pagkain. posters, streamers, billboards of food everywhere! ngiti uli ako :)
i thought victory was mine until we arrived home. my favorite shows were on and my associations were causing me to literally drool! my chips! my hopia! my cakes and bread! i can't watch these shows without them!
but .... i did :) the cravings were there, but i didn't give in :) i guess this is where will power set in. top of mind was the week i spent in the sacrifice, i didn't want to go back to square one. ang galing talaga ni God mag orchestrate ng mga pangyayari!
lessons learned : the cravings will stay talaga, and one will be surrounded by ways to give in. if feeling weak, don't surround nalang yourself with tempty treats. although mababawasan ang cravings, babalik at babalik ang longing kasi nga to most like me, associated ang food with happiness and occasions. and yes, pray pray pray. the One who, with just a snap of a finger created the universe, can take your hand through everything.
our journey now is to eat to live, not live to eat. to be happy with more things in life other than food. to associate life with may other things than eating. to enjoy moments with loved ones with less portions of food, or with just 500mL of diet soda and 180grams of fruit :)
we look forward to the time when we've reached our ideal weight and will be able to eat the food we want - with the right portions and with full exercise.
we'd usually spend sundays skipping breakfast in preparation for the treat we were going to give ourselves after church - a hearty lunch complete from apps to dessert, a quick stroll in the mall, a movie probably (with my favorite f4 popcorn or sour cream and chives tofu chips), another hearty merienda, and food to take home (usually bread) for my favorite sunday afternoon shows.
after church, we decided to go to kenny rogers, the only one we remember to have healthy options. we parked on the other end of the mall kasi the part directly below the resto was already full. eto na.....dinaanan namin ang mga sari-saring litrato at amoy ng mga pagkain! the sound of cutlery and chewing was in full surround and the smells stuck to our hair. what went on in my brain was, "that's what i used to eat. and that. and that. and that. oh! and that!"...
for the first time, i didn't feel sorry for myself, and this is the first time i have ever declared that in all honesty. it's true pala what has been said na it's the changing of one's mind, one's way of thinking, that really creates change. i know why i eat what i eat now.
ang isa pang importanteng first time sakin, i was not resentful of the families (kain nang kain may tinatago namang away), the mag-syotas (lilipas din 'yan), the fellow obese (hala sige.. tapos wag ka magpa check-up ha), and the young skinnies (pagtanda mo sisingilin ka nyang nilalafang mong pagkalaki laking hamborjer), who were happily eating - associated sa happiness talaga ang pagkain lalo na sa ating mga Pinoy. we live to eat. okasyon talaga sa atin ang pag-kain.
at kenny rogers, we made sure to look at the menu prior to entering. we ordered the lo-calorie meal, just one order of grilled fish. "low salt please, and don't include the rice". we also ordered the roasted chicken salad, "dressing on the side please". we took out our skyflakes oat and removed the other vegetables and cheese from our meal. for dessert, one can of pepsi light each.
we enjoyed the meal! i didn't have to sacrifice thinking na i had to eat that way because i wanted to lose weight - nasarapan ako talaga! i guess the eating plan takes care of my taste buds and cravings as well.
our gimik after lunch was the Hub getting our next week's stash in the grocery store. i would usually hang around bread talk or some other food shop to nibble (haha nibble daw o) or i would join him and put many feel-good goodies in the cart. but last sunday, i went to the appliance center and the hardware store :) i was smiling all the way and i knew so because people were smiling back.
on our way home, i saw more evidences na matindi talaga ang ikot ng buhay na may pagkain. posters, streamers, billboards of food everywhere! ngiti uli ako :)
i thought victory was mine until we arrived home. my favorite shows were on and my associations were causing me to literally drool! my chips! my hopia! my cakes and bread! i can't watch these shows without them!
but .... i did :) the cravings were there, but i didn't give in :) i guess this is where will power set in. top of mind was the week i spent in the sacrifice, i didn't want to go back to square one. ang galing talaga ni God mag orchestrate ng mga pangyayari!
lessons learned : the cravings will stay talaga, and one will be surrounded by ways to give in. if feeling weak, don't surround nalang yourself with tempty treats. although mababawasan ang cravings, babalik at babalik ang longing kasi nga to most like me, associated ang food with happiness and occasions. and yes, pray pray pray. the One who, with just a snap of a finger created the universe, can take your hand through everything.
our journey now is to eat to live, not live to eat. to be happy with more things in life other than food. to associate life with may other things than eating. to enjoy moments with loved ones with less portions of food, or with just 500mL of diet soda and 180grams of fruit :)
we look forward to the time when we've reached our ideal weight and will be able to eat the food we want - with the right portions and with full exercise.
Sabado, Nobyembre 12, 2011
Scales
ang tagal nang walang weighing scale sa bahay. i am so petrified of it that when i settled in marriage, i intended to leave that old pink scale somewhere. i would look at it then, scared of the numbers that the spinning wheel would validate. yearly visits to the doc required weighing, and i would look up while i was being weighed, and would resent the doc's assistant when she announces my weight kahit ako lang nakakarinig. phobia, denial, at kung anu-ano pa. i've been imagining na mangyari sakin yung nasa pugad baboy na, when one of them stepped onto a talking scale, it said "one at a time please..." hahahahaah
eto na. our diet requires that we weigh our meat and vegetables. inaykupowwww THAT LIMITING SCALE!!! ayaw!! pero now, on day 6 of our diet, i have come to love that food scale ;) as a matter of fact, because i've been feeling lighter, i'm planning to buy a bathroom scale and conquer my denials.
the hub and i went grocery shopping for our outreach donations today. going in sumalubong kagad sakin ang cake display at roasted chicken. i smiled :) further and up the escalator, peanuts, pizza, soft ice cream, ngiti parin ako. inside the grocery store, chips, chocolates.... ang saya saya ha. hindi kaya ako maglaway at magwala dito?
surprisingly and with God's grace, hindi ako naglaway :) there was no desire whatsoever to purchase my usual goodies or to take even a small bite. this was also the first time that we went out of the house and did not eat out, na wala kaming inuwing pagkain for the road and for watching TV later in the house. parang si apostle Paul pala, nalaglag din ang scales sa mata namin. we have come to realize that food is good, but we don't need to eat all the time the way we used to. we don't need pala food to make us happy. food is sustenance, pero hindi pala ito parang kaluluwa na dapat laging kasama ng katawan para mabuhay.
Hubby and i still feel happy whenever we eat, masarap pa rin sya magluto ng required food namin :) nililipat parin namin ang channel when the TV shows feature our trigger foods or when we know na that first surge of drool is making its way through our system.
we look forward to the day when we can eat whatever we want na and automatically control our portions. when we can eat all kinds of food and not abuse it. when we are lighter enough para we can work out and burn the small portions of all kinds of food.
when i will not look forward to attending weddings for the cake, watching TV for the chips, watching movies for the popcorn, going to funerals for the juice and nuts, going to the grocery store for the merienda after, going to children's parties for the loot bag of candies, Varekai for the hotdog intermission, and church for the hearty lunch after.
hayyyyy mahirap mahirap! buti nalang may Diyos. thank you God, for the scales you took away when i was scared of them, returned because it would help us with our diet, and removed from my eyes when temptations faced me.
eto na. our diet requires that we weigh our meat and vegetables. inaykupowwww THAT LIMITING SCALE!!! ayaw!! pero now, on day 6 of our diet, i have come to love that food scale ;) as a matter of fact, because i've been feeling lighter, i'm planning to buy a bathroom scale and conquer my denials.
the hub and i went grocery shopping for our outreach donations today. going in sumalubong kagad sakin ang cake display at roasted chicken. i smiled :) further and up the escalator, peanuts, pizza, soft ice cream, ngiti parin ako. inside the grocery store, chips, chocolates.... ang saya saya ha. hindi kaya ako maglaway at magwala dito?
surprisingly and with God's grace, hindi ako naglaway :) there was no desire whatsoever to purchase my usual goodies or to take even a small bite. this was also the first time that we went out of the house and did not eat out, na wala kaming inuwing pagkain for the road and for watching TV later in the house. parang si apostle Paul pala, nalaglag din ang scales sa mata namin. we have come to realize that food is good, but we don't need to eat all the time the way we used to. we don't need pala food to make us happy. food is sustenance, pero hindi pala ito parang kaluluwa na dapat laging kasama ng katawan para mabuhay.
Hubby and i still feel happy whenever we eat, masarap pa rin sya magluto ng required food namin :) nililipat parin namin ang channel when the TV shows feature our trigger foods or when we know na that first surge of drool is making its way through our system.
we look forward to the day when we can eat whatever we want na and automatically control our portions. when we can eat all kinds of food and not abuse it. when we are lighter enough para we can work out and burn the small portions of all kinds of food.
when i will not look forward to attending weddings for the cake, watching TV for the chips, watching movies for the popcorn, going to funerals for the juice and nuts, going to the grocery store for the merienda after, going to children's parties for the loot bag of candies, Varekai for the hotdog intermission, and church for the hearty lunch after.
hayyyyy mahirap mahirap! buti nalang may Diyos. thank you God, for the scales you took away when i was scared of them, returned because it would help us with our diet, and removed from my eyes when temptations faced me.
Martes, Nobyembre 8, 2011
Eureka
Am on day 3 of our Cohen diet and i believe am adjusting well :) have had headaches due to other reasons since the middle of last week and the headaches are aggravated on day 1 by hunger (for the food i used to divulge in) and pagka-bigla ng katawan kasi i ate all the food i would miss a day before Cohen hehe.
i wanted to cry every time Hubby would ask "are you okay?" or "how are you feeling?", actually i wanted to bawl and ask why... why.. why... does food make us fat?!!! and why do these skinnies eat what they want and stay the way they are? oo na, exercise and a balanced diet, pero... and hirap kaya!
watching the biggest loser gave me hope, yes, pero i can't help but think na if i had a cook at my command to just whip up a balanced meal everyday for me, if i had no social life and no income to worry about, if all i did every single day was eat a balanced meal, be with my co-obese, and work-out hours upon hours, and if money was at stake, i indeed would lose weight as successfully and as quickly as the contestants.
pero maintaining the weight in the absence of camp is the real challenge.when out in the usual world and being part of it for daily grind, things are 180degree-different.
last night, me and the hub were watching HEAVY on AXN and beyond. there were no prizes at stake and there were just two subjects, a 19 year old male and a slightly older female. the camp was in south carolina. each related their own stories about the probable causes of their food addiction. johnny, the 19 year old college sophomore whose starting weight is 400kg+ is an adopted child. he was given up for adoption at age 3 and he always had questions in his mind as to why his biological parents didn't want him. the anger resulted in seeking consolation in food. soon enough he connected every emotion to food. sabi ko, ay, di naman ako relate dito. di naman ako adopted at naghahanap ng biological parents.
jill is a married teacher who longs to conceive, but is unable to because of her weight (started at 300kg+). e lalong hindi ako maka relate dito sabi ko. but when the rest of her story unfolded, i saw myself in her. jill hid food in her cabinet so no one could see her eat her junk food and sweets.
i had a eureka moment - after practically a lifetime of being obese, i finally knew what may have caused my food addiction and my relation to food with every emotion and every occasion.
i was not very overweight as a child. looking at my pictures until i was in early college, i didn't look huge. in the early 80s, i wasn't fat at all. i even saw that i was not fat when i joined my first showband in the mid 1990s. pero all my life....ALL my life... i've been called fat, naiwan sa kusina, healthy, malusog... a relative even named a pig in his pen after my full name - ANNA IRENE. yes manong tony, masakit parin hanggang ngayon.
ang pinakamasakit, mga close relatives ko mismo ang walang patumal na nakakasakit sakin. during reunions i would always receive a "ano'ng nangyari sa yo?" and that "naiwan sa kusina" thing. i was called many names for fat. one close relative would ask for a bite off my burger, then get a big bite (she almost choked) just so i would eat less. this same relative would say lovingly "pahingeee" when i bring junk food into my room, pero what she really meant was "let me see what you've got, babawasan ko yan". this same person conspired frequently with other relatives, with my friends, and with doctors to influence me to lose weight. i did not see love, i saw that i was taken for a fool. hayyy, the pain pain pain of not being given food by friends this person conspired with, with being emotionally blackmailed into losing weight, with being humiliated by doctors to lose weight (well, i felt humiliated), the memory of fainting in mercury drug in front of makati med due to abrupt weight loss from dr. villadolid's recos and meds. i kept to myself during these times because the only thing i knew to feel was pain and the only think i knew to know was that i was fat and no good, that if i remained fat, i would lose loved ones, that if i remained the way i looked, i would get nowhere in life (an actual verbatim from a close relative). even if these people kept telling me they were just concerned, i did not see that at all.
so i hid in my room with more and more food. i realize now that this is where my addiction to chips began. i lived my life proving to these people and to the people whom i knew would have immediate judgment on me because of my weight, that i can achieve while being fat. i worked really really hard, earned my keep. i gained a lot of friends who liked me for who i was, because i was too helpful, too generous, too kind. i did exceptional in school. i rose up the ranks in my writing career until i reached vice presidency. i conquered my performance standards - i sang in a showband showing much skin and suggestive songs being my signature. i attracted a flock of male admirers. see... i unconsciously told those relatives, househelps, and tricycle and jeepney drivers who mocked me....i'm an achiever even if i'm fat. what happened to all of you and where are you now?
my cardiologist was no help either. he said that my only hope was bariatric surgery. true maybe, pero doc, bakit si ricky rivero mataba na uli? instead of giving me hope i felt hopeless after that visit. i cried my eyes out.
to cope with growing obesity, i used humor. food was my best friend because i unconsciously felt that it's okay to be fat especially that i've proven the mockers wrong.
the trouble is, i became addicted to food. no amount would satisfy me in a day. when i earned my own keep, i bought the food i was deprived of.
so today, it's hardwork to go on a diet. extra difficult. very emotional. heart-wrenching.
pero God is my constant hope. he gave me my hubby - my support group in one. he sorted out my friends and gave me new ones - all of them looking at me for the beautiful person that i am. Hub asked me what my motivation was, his was good health. i realize that good health is a secondary motivation for me. i want to look good, fit into more clothes and shoes, play with my dog 'til she's had enough, walk walk and walk. i already fulfilled my hunger to be employed, loved, and respected at work. now i want my physical beauty to be most obvious.
parents, i plead with you to not "motivate" your obese children this way. encourage them and trust them with their thoughts and decisions - don't scheme and take them for fools. don't think for them or trust in your own timing and not God's. i know you love your kids, but my life experience is one proof that your love may be clouded by the pain from your good intentions.
kamag-anaks with relatives who are obese, please don't make fun of your fat relatives no matter how harmless the jokes may seem.
readers, please don't stereotype obesity with overeating, bad smells, laziness, or absence of success. it is not the truths but the effects of this immediate judgment that pains us.
so, shall this new diet plan be my ultimate victory in my battle of the bulge? maybe, maybe not. right now, i am happy that i have discovered the cause of my addiction, my trigger foods, and that i need strength that comes from God in this seemingly harmless, cute problem. will i still be hurt when friends tell me "pumayat ka na noon e. anon'ng nangyari nanaman?", maybe. but i will choose to see the concern behind my usual interpretation to pain.
will i forgive the ones who mocked me especially that uncle-of-my-Hub who, with his large eyes, shouted to my hubby (in a party, while eating lunch) "bakit di ka pumapayat?.... wag ka kasi kumain!", sabay walk out, or my parents-in-laws' friend who i met for the first time recently, who told his wife in the course of our conversation - "kaya hindi pumapayat yan, walang determinasyon".... maybe, pero forgiveness will take a longer, more painstaking process here. it is people like these, people with quick judgments and who i barely know, who especially make it difficult for me to lose weight - i feel that if i do lose weight, i'm doing them a favor.
please pray with me readers, eating less than what i've been used to all my life is a suffering i do not wish for all of you. please include me and my hubby in your daily prayers, that food become a supplement for us and not a primary source of happiness.
salamat po!
i wanted to cry every time Hubby would ask "are you okay?" or "how are you feeling?", actually i wanted to bawl and ask why... why.. why... does food make us fat?!!! and why do these skinnies eat what they want and stay the way they are? oo na, exercise and a balanced diet, pero... and hirap kaya!
watching the biggest loser gave me hope, yes, pero i can't help but think na if i had a cook at my command to just whip up a balanced meal everyday for me, if i had no social life and no income to worry about, if all i did every single day was eat a balanced meal, be with my co-obese, and work-out hours upon hours, and if money was at stake, i indeed would lose weight as successfully and as quickly as the contestants.
pero maintaining the weight in the absence of camp is the real challenge.when out in the usual world and being part of it for daily grind, things are 180degree-different.
last night, me and the hub were watching HEAVY on AXN and beyond. there were no prizes at stake and there were just two subjects, a 19 year old male and a slightly older female. the camp was in south carolina. each related their own stories about the probable causes of their food addiction. johnny, the 19 year old college sophomore whose starting weight is 400kg+ is an adopted child. he was given up for adoption at age 3 and he always had questions in his mind as to why his biological parents didn't want him. the anger resulted in seeking consolation in food. soon enough he connected every emotion to food. sabi ko, ay, di naman ako relate dito. di naman ako adopted at naghahanap ng biological parents.
jill is a married teacher who longs to conceive, but is unable to because of her weight (started at 300kg+). e lalong hindi ako maka relate dito sabi ko. but when the rest of her story unfolded, i saw myself in her. jill hid food in her cabinet so no one could see her eat her junk food and sweets.
i had a eureka moment - after practically a lifetime of being obese, i finally knew what may have caused my food addiction and my relation to food with every emotion and every occasion.
i was not very overweight as a child. looking at my pictures until i was in early college, i didn't look huge. in the early 80s, i wasn't fat at all. i even saw that i was not fat when i joined my first showband in the mid 1990s. pero all my life....ALL my life... i've been called fat, naiwan sa kusina, healthy, malusog... a relative even named a pig in his pen after my full name - ANNA IRENE. yes manong tony, masakit parin hanggang ngayon.
ang pinakamasakit, mga close relatives ko mismo ang walang patumal na nakakasakit sakin. during reunions i would always receive a "ano'ng nangyari sa yo?" and that "naiwan sa kusina" thing. i was called many names for fat. one close relative would ask for a bite off my burger, then get a big bite (she almost choked) just so i would eat less. this same relative would say lovingly "pahingeee" when i bring junk food into my room, pero what she really meant was "let me see what you've got, babawasan ko yan". this same person conspired frequently with other relatives, with my friends, and with doctors to influence me to lose weight. i did not see love, i saw that i was taken for a fool. hayyy, the pain pain pain of not being given food by friends this person conspired with, with being emotionally blackmailed into losing weight, with being humiliated by doctors to lose weight (well, i felt humiliated), the memory of fainting in mercury drug in front of makati med due to abrupt weight loss from dr. villadolid's recos and meds. i kept to myself during these times because the only thing i knew to feel was pain and the only think i knew to know was that i was fat and no good, that if i remained fat, i would lose loved ones, that if i remained the way i looked, i would get nowhere in life (an actual verbatim from a close relative). even if these people kept telling me they were just concerned, i did not see that at all.
so i hid in my room with more and more food. i realize now that this is where my addiction to chips began. i lived my life proving to these people and to the people whom i knew would have immediate judgment on me because of my weight, that i can achieve while being fat. i worked really really hard, earned my keep. i gained a lot of friends who liked me for who i was, because i was too helpful, too generous, too kind. i did exceptional in school. i rose up the ranks in my writing career until i reached vice presidency. i conquered my performance standards - i sang in a showband showing much skin and suggestive songs being my signature. i attracted a flock of male admirers. see... i unconsciously told those relatives, househelps, and tricycle and jeepney drivers who mocked me....i'm an achiever even if i'm fat. what happened to all of you and where are you now?
my cardiologist was no help either. he said that my only hope was bariatric surgery. true maybe, pero doc, bakit si ricky rivero mataba na uli? instead of giving me hope i felt hopeless after that visit. i cried my eyes out.
to cope with growing obesity, i used humor. food was my best friend because i unconsciously felt that it's okay to be fat especially that i've proven the mockers wrong.
the trouble is, i became addicted to food. no amount would satisfy me in a day. when i earned my own keep, i bought the food i was deprived of.
so today, it's hardwork to go on a diet. extra difficult. very emotional. heart-wrenching.
pero God is my constant hope. he gave me my hubby - my support group in one. he sorted out my friends and gave me new ones - all of them looking at me for the beautiful person that i am. Hub asked me what my motivation was, his was good health. i realize that good health is a secondary motivation for me. i want to look good, fit into more clothes and shoes, play with my dog 'til she's had enough, walk walk and walk. i already fulfilled my hunger to be employed, loved, and respected at work. now i want my physical beauty to be most obvious.
parents, i plead with you to not "motivate" your obese children this way. encourage them and trust them with their thoughts and decisions - don't scheme and take them for fools. don't think for them or trust in your own timing and not God's. i know you love your kids, but my life experience is one proof that your love may be clouded by the pain from your good intentions.
kamag-anaks with relatives who are obese, please don't make fun of your fat relatives no matter how harmless the jokes may seem.
readers, please don't stereotype obesity with overeating, bad smells, laziness, or absence of success. it is not the truths but the effects of this immediate judgment that pains us.
so, shall this new diet plan be my ultimate victory in my battle of the bulge? maybe, maybe not. right now, i am happy that i have discovered the cause of my addiction, my trigger foods, and that i need strength that comes from God in this seemingly harmless, cute problem. will i still be hurt when friends tell me "pumayat ka na noon e. anon'ng nangyari nanaman?", maybe. but i will choose to see the concern behind my usual interpretation to pain.
will i forgive the ones who mocked me especially that uncle-of-my-Hub who, with his large eyes, shouted to my hubby (in a party, while eating lunch) "bakit di ka pumapayat?.... wag ka kasi kumain!", sabay walk out, or my parents-in-laws' friend who i met for the first time recently, who told his wife in the course of our conversation - "kaya hindi pumapayat yan, walang determinasyon".... maybe, pero forgiveness will take a longer, more painstaking process here. it is people like these, people with quick judgments and who i barely know, who especially make it difficult for me to lose weight - i feel that if i do lose weight, i'm doing them a favor.
please pray with me readers, eating less than what i've been used to all my life is a suffering i do not wish for all of you. please include me and my hubby in your daily prayers, that food become a supplement for us and not a primary source of happiness.
salamat po!
Lunes, Agosto 1, 2011
Sa Iyo, Bilas Kong Hilaw
Congratulations for your achievements beyond weight loss, Eboy.
Probably, like me, humor has been your cushion for the demeaning looks, insults, snickers, discrimination, unacceptance, and rejections in your life. Probably, like me, you have had to struggle to turn your back to violence so you may get back at those who have less in life but feel licensed to hurl insults at you just because you are fat. Like me, you may have had to cry alone, making sure no one was looking, so that self-pity will not pile above the insecurity that you already have.
Madalas mo din bang marinig sa mga family reunions ang "O, ano'ng nangyari sa yo? Napabayaan ka ba sa kusina?" ? Nag aral ka rin bang mabuti para masagot mo sila ng "At least may laman ang kusina namin!" ? Tuwing may long lost friend ka bang nagtatanong na "O, kumusta na weight mo?", sinasagot mo ba siya na "Eto, name maintain ko naman..." para magtawanan nalang kayo kasi mataba ka parin? Kunwari nalang ba hindi mo naririnig yung mga tawanan ng driver ng jeep, o hindi mo nalang pinapansin na nagpapalipat lipat ka ng tricycle kasi tinatanggihan ka sa pila? Do you make "fat" jokes para maunahan mo nalang yung mga alam mong gusto nang pansinin at husgahan ang kakaiba mong hitchura?
Hindi ako sang-ayon sa analysis ng mga kasamahan mo sa BLPE that whenever you joke around, you are not taking weight loss and the camp seriously. Siguradong mahal ka nila, pero sa tingin ko, hindi nila alam na humor has been a coping device, and without it, vengeance may have been your staple. Siguro pala-away tayo kung hindi tayo marunong tumawa at magpatawa. Siguro naging mapang-husga na tayo sa lahat ng mga taong mababa ang tingin sa matataba.
Kitang-kita sa iyo, that the love of God has made you confident. That you remember that He looks at the heart and not what is immediately visible to the human eye. You have the Holy Spirit indwelling in you, because you have come to love yourself despite your circumstances. I know that God will continue to use the charm, wit, and sense of humor that He gave you, so that you may look at the world in His eyes, and you may look at yourself in His love.
Eboy, bilas kong hilaw, sabay nating ipagdasal ang addiction natin sa pagkain. God can lift this from us so He may use us for His purposes. In the meantime, let us keep taking life seriously - with laughter.
Mabuhay ka!
Biyernes, Hulyo 22, 2011
Mga Masasayang Pagkahilo
I was very pleased to have had the chance to see Varekai recently. The hub and I decided to have early dinner at nearby Manila Hotel.
In fairness, hindi na luma at may punit ang uniform ng mga sumalubong sa amin sa pinto. Parang nagbago narin ang staff sa Café Ilang Ilang. The café was spruced up din. Hindi na rickety ang mga chairs. Maaliwalas na rin at may mga bagong furniture. Malakas narin ang aircon.
Di gaya ng dati though, a hostess did not meet us at the entrance. We went walking inward with not one soul to assist us. So we wandered into the café choosing a table. We sat on the one nearest the pool area.
We had to call a server to get a menu, and we smelled our server about 10 feet away – he was reeking of cologne na parang... uy... parang ilang ilang. Agk ahkkk….. tawagin ka nalang namin pag ready na kami umorder. Parang lumabo kasi bigla ang letra ng menu at umabot sa utak yung amoy ng pabango mo chong - was what I was tempted to say. Gusto ko pa sanang nguyain ang buong menu at pumili leisurely, but… “caesar salad and hamburger, medium well. Game!”. Hub had the pancit canton.
Eto na. In the familiar Manila Hotel fashion, ang tagaaaaaaal dumating ng order. Naluma yung usual na “kinakatay pa ba yung baka?”- sa sobrang gutom at inip ko feeling ko nagliligawan palang yung nanay at tatay nung baka na ipapanganak, palalakihin, at kakatayin. Yung pansit ni hub feeling ko dinadasalan pa yung arina na hahaluan ng tubig at itlog, mamasahin at gagawing noodles. Yung caesar salad? Hala out of town si mang cesar. Tatawagin ko sana si server namin para magpa una muna ng tinapay pero… wag na nga’t baka lalo akong mahilo. Deadly ang kumbinasyong gutom at pabango meyng.
Kaya pinagtripan muna namin ang lugar at ang menu.
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| Tamang-tama ang pangalan nila dahil ilang-ilang minu-minuto nalang hihimatayin nako sa gutom |
Itong isa sa mga bagong muwebles na ito caught my eye. Saktong pang barkada. Naka elevate ang couches into bar level, kaya pag may punit ang pantalon mo wag ka na. Matutuluyan ang punit at magiging paldang may slit ang suot mo.
Simple lang ang table setting. Nagandahan ako sa water glasses (yang pamilya na naka "da who" sa pic ng glasses e keeeee iingay! sabi nga ng irog ko e kapalaran ko talaga ang matabi sa maiingay twing kakain sa labas).
Sabay-sabay dumating ang food (pati tinapay). Ang sarap nung caesar's salad, pero di gaya ng dati, wala nang anchovies. Masarap din yung hamburger pero hindi juicy at pareho sila ng temperature nung salad :( Malambot at mainit yung dinner rolls (inupakan namin at humingi pa ng dagdag, pero yung dagdag wala nang kasamang butter pffft). Yung pansit ni irog, di ko na pinakailaman at kapyangot lang. Pero masarap daw.
.
Buti nalang nakasabit sa tenga at nakabuhol sa batok ang ngiti ko dahil manonood kami ng bonggang sirko.
Um-order si irog ng halu-halo nung kumakain sya. Ako, nag decide akong gusto ko rin pala ng halu halo nung patapos na kami kumain. Sabay parin dumating halu-halo namin. Yung nga lang, yung isa parang me bayolet na gatas ang yung isa e me ube ice cream. Yung traditional Pinoy halu-halo na may buong yelo, kuhang kuha ng Cafe Ilang Ilang. Uric acid delight ang halu halo kasi puro beans. Walang saging kainis. Pero masarap parin.
The show was spectacular, like nothing I've ever seen! Nahilu-hilo ako sa matataas na pagsisirko pero... mas nakakahilo parin ang pabango ni manong!
Tekalang, Ginoong Saret
Yours is the precious responsibility of inspiring these hopefuls to push towards their goal and deny themselves their comforts and unhealthy habits. As a morbidly obese person, i have a good idea what this physically and emotionally entails. These admirable individuals have created their coping device - friendship - to alleviate the suffering they undergo. Imagine their anguish when they have to choose whom to let go - anyone of them is a part of each other's lives. They do not deserve more emotional suffering from you. Hindi madaling tumalun talon, tumakbo, magbuhat, lumihis sa kinasanayang pagkain. Dagdagan pa ba ng galit ninyo na walang ibang gagawin kundi pasamain ang loob nila? Ikakabuti ba ng kalusugan nila ang mga sinabi mo ginoong saret? Oo at kailangan silang itulak at pagalitan paminsan, pero this was not one of those cases sir.
You are entitled to your own feelings and thoughts, but as someone who the bigating pinoys look up to, your speech on what you suggest as a bad choice on eliminating joy over winwin was uncalled for.
Una na nga sa lahat, hindi mo na lugar para magbigay ng vocal na opinyon tungkol dito dahil hindi ikaw ang inatasang magdesisyon sa eliminations. Pangalawa, sa tingin ko'y hindi mali ang kanilang naging desisyon (and i'm not partial to either joy or winwin). Pangatlo at higit sa lahat, you have put winwin in an awkward, sensitive, hurtful position. There's a reason why the contestants themselves choose whom to eliminate, and you should not involve yourself in this. You should not show a tinge of partiality, no matter how valid your opinion of things are.
Please remember what you're there for. Alalahanin din po sana ninyo na hindi po tungkol sa inyo ang BLPE - hence, your opinions on how things should be are not necessarily norm. You are a conduit towards their goals, not a teacher with a whip na namamalo ng mga estudyanteng hindi sumang-ayon sa nasa isip mong dapat.
Pakiusap lang po, please mentor the bigatins in terms of weight loss and a healthier lifestyle. Please remember also that a healthier lifestyle does not only involve what they put in their mouths, but what they receive into their hearts and minds, and in this case, what they pick up from their mentors while in camp.
Martes, Hulyo 5, 2011
Dalawang Dekada Paatras
Pag sa gitna ng iyong pagsha shopping e parang biglang gusto mong bumili ng gel at maghanap ng pantalon na baston, o di kaya e mag warmers at magsuot ng headband sa noo...... tapos maya maya may naririnig kang Axel F.... wag kang mag-alala, di ka nabu buang. Papalapit ka lang nang papalapit sa House of Minis sa Shoppesville, Greenhills!
Of the other House of Minis outlets, this one takes you back to the 80s all the way. Kulang nalang katabi mong kumakain si Michael J. Fox. Feeling ko high school ako na may pera - sarap!
Pagpasok namin sa resto, ang diliiiiiim. Reminds me of Tia Maria in Makati Avenue during my decade of Zombie and cheese dips, na bawal umuwi nang hindi laseng o nag iwan ng alaala sa cr. Tamang-tama ang dilim noon kasi estudyante pa ako't hindi maka bihis ng "civilian" bago makipag inuman sa publiko. Pero andalas namin doon (wowww let's go to Tia paaaaaare [at puro babae kami ha] there's a new drink Chi Chi)... sabay sakay ng jeep ngyahahaha ingles nang ingles wala naman palang kotse pwe! hahahahaha.
Pero teka, hindi naman kailangang patago ang pagpunta sa steakhouse na ito, bakit andilim? Pagpasok namin parang nakakatakot pumunta ng cr kasi baka pagbukas mo ng pinto may sumalubong sa yong kabayo....
Ahh..,, kaya pala. E pano mangingibabaw ang Christmas lights kung maliwanag? At pake natin kung gusto nilang pasko buong taon? Yung 1980s nga nadala nila sa 2011 e. At baket, munisipyo lang ba ng Mandaluyong ang pwedeng mag Christmas decor year round?
Habang kumakanta ang The Rah Band ng Sorry Doesn't Make It Anymore e binabasa ko na ang menu (na syempre di ko mabasa kasi.....hulaan moooooo). Tinawag ko na ang waiter. In fairness pati waiter 80s na 80s ha - dalawang dekada nalang 80s na sya. Pero wag mo isnabin, kitang-kita parin nya kung saan ilalagay ang gravy kahit na madilim.
Napansin nyo ba yung chaleko (bawal ang vest at hindi 80s yun) at yung kurtina? O..... sa kulay lang nagkaiba diba. Kayanin mo din yung alternate green and red table cloths - matching sa Christmas lights.
Nangingilo na ang ngipin ko sa synthesizer at claps ni Harold Faltermeyer nang ilabas na ang steak namin. Nauna kasi ang pagkasarap sarap na mainit na tinapay at sopas na.... na.... na parang nilagang papel na may konting gatas (ng kabayo?!!!). Buti nalang bottomless ang Knorr seasoning at paminta.
May salad din pala ang steak meal. Simple green salad lang na me hundred island dressing (thousand island ka jan e ketchup at mayonnaise yung nakapatong sa gulay).
Nung nakita na ni manong este ingkong na ubos na ang tinapay sopas at salad namin (reklamo nang reklamo uubusin naman pala), sinenyasan na nya ang cook na lutuin na ang aming tenderloin and porterhouse steaks. Ako, simple lang ang requirement ko sa steak - malambot at hindi bulok. My tenderloin was delicious! Really tender and tasty, and the gravy was complementary. Ingkong is nice to remind you to cover your face with the napkin as he pours the gravy for a sizzling plate.My hubby's porterhouse was also good - judging from the fact that again, I did not come around to trying it hehehe. The corn and potato sidings were perfect! May sayote pa! :)
We ordered more bread to mop up the gravy :)
The meal comes with free dessert. And just when I thought they'd take the easy route and bring a 21st century dessert...... out came
......mocha ice cream! Hindi namin malaman kung anong brand ito, my hubby was an ice cream flavor creator and tester at one of the most popular brands, but he's stumped! Sabi ko, ahhhh.... baka Presto ito hahahaha 80s parin! Ang sarap! Medyo katabi nga lang ata ng grill ang kinalalagyan dahil medyo mocha shake na hehe.
It was an awesome experience! How many times do I get to literally step back in time and stay there for hours? How many times do I get to reminisce my younger days of afternoon discos and singing whitney houston with huge karaoke machines with kweba-tic reverb while seemingly actually being there? How many times do I confirm that I was once young? :)
Hayyyy (with a huge smile and a burp)......!!
Of the other House of Minis outlets, this one takes you back to the 80s all the way. Kulang nalang katabi mong kumakain si Michael J. Fox. Feeling ko high school ako na may pera - sarap!
Pagpasok namin sa resto, ang diliiiiiim. Reminds me of Tia Maria in Makati Avenue during my decade of Zombie and cheese dips, na bawal umuwi nang hindi laseng o nag iwan ng alaala sa cr. Tamang-tama ang dilim noon kasi estudyante pa ako't hindi maka bihis ng "civilian" bago makipag inuman sa publiko. Pero andalas namin doon (wowww let's go to Tia paaaaaare [at puro babae kami ha] there's a new drink Chi Chi)... sabay sakay ng jeep ngyahahaha ingles nang ingles wala naman palang kotse pwe! hahahahaha.
Pero teka, hindi naman kailangang patago ang pagpunta sa steakhouse na ito, bakit andilim? Pagpasok namin parang nakakatakot pumunta ng cr kasi baka pagbukas mo ng pinto may sumalubong sa yong kabayo....
Ahh..,, kaya pala. E pano mangingibabaw ang Christmas lights kung maliwanag? At pake natin kung gusto nilang pasko buong taon? Yung 1980s nga nadala nila sa 2011 e. At baket, munisipyo lang ba ng Mandaluyong ang pwedeng mag Christmas decor year round?
Habang kumakanta ang The Rah Band ng Sorry Doesn't Make It Anymore e binabasa ko na ang menu (na syempre di ko mabasa kasi.....hulaan moooooo). Tinawag ko na ang waiter. In fairness pati waiter 80s na 80s ha - dalawang dekada nalang 80s na sya. Pero wag mo isnabin, kitang-kita parin nya kung saan ilalagay ang gravy kahit na madilim.
Nangingilo na ang ngipin ko sa synthesizer at claps ni Harold Faltermeyer nang ilabas na ang steak namin. Nauna kasi ang pagkasarap sarap na mainit na tinapay at sopas na.... na.... na parang nilagang papel na may konting gatas (ng kabayo?!!!). Buti nalang bottomless ang Knorr seasoning at paminta.
It was an awesome experience! How many times do I get to literally step back in time and stay there for hours? How many times do I get to reminisce my younger days of afternoon discos and singing whitney houston with huge karaoke machines with kweba-tic reverb while seemingly actually being there? How many times do I confirm that I was once young? :)
Hayyyy (with a huge smile and a burp)......!!
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