eating vicariously

we received our first two Christmas gifts! one was 3 blouses and a bag and i excitedly tried the blouses on. perfect! the other one came with other gifts that were for my in-laws. mine was a bottle of spices na dadagdagan nalang ng vinegar for a fabulous homemade spiced vinegar. for my in-laws, pulvoron and yema :)

i thought i felt okay upon receiving this second gift, pero after a few hours and into the night i suddenly felt an urge to cry. hindi ko alam kung bakit! nanonood pa ako ng comedy show nun a. i turned the TV off and went out of the room to the kitchen where the Hub was fabricating and weighing our meat supply for the next days. on his sympathetic "why?" i wanted to bawl, but i didn't know why so i felt silly letting it out.

today, i find out why. i was crying because i felt the deprivation of not receiving the pastry gifts that i saw along with our second gift, the one for my in-laws. when my hub said "no, that's for mom and tita", i said "oh okay!" yun pala i was hurt. today, with a clearer mind and a much lesser craving (i received the second gift near evening time, the time most of my cravings happen), i realize that there's another hurdle - the depression of not being able to eat goody gifts.

in the past holidays, i would look forward to these gifts and devour them the moment i received them (well, the good ones hehe). i felt so loved by the givers and i felt so important. gifts of food were valuable to me and i would be so happy to receive them and eat them. my Christmas was made happy with these goodies.

the Hub and i made our Christmas festivity plans early. we would choose which Christmas parties we would attend so that we won't have to eat so much so often. we accepted the fact that we would eat some bawal na food, but we are realistic to say that we would watch our portions, not eat pork, eat lean meat, balance our meals, and work out after a relatively hefty meal. by relatively we mean allowing ourselves about 100 grams more than what we usually eat since the healthy lifestyle change. we both declare a bawal food that we would allow ourselves to eat during our two-day anniversary celebration next month - mine are tofu chips from Chimara which i love especially while watching movies ("i will buy the medium pack and munch while walking at Ayala Triangle) and hopia from goldilocks.

happily, Hub and i would have these conversations. we had a good plan!

i also advised friends not to gift me with cookies or pastries, but Sarsi light and small washington apples.

pero bakit ako naiyak when we received the 2nd gift? .... i realize that it's the reality that Christmas celebration won't be the same for me anymore.

pero, nahimasmasan na ako ;)

indeed, Christmas won't be the same for me from now on. on this occasion, one of only two which i am OA about and make a big deal of,  i will no longer associate the celebration with overindulgence. i will count my blessings loudly, and with no constipation, dizziness, or discomfort. as i watch the fireworks i shall stare at my feet which i am now able to see in full while standing. i will jump and dance without fear of arthritis. i shall laugh with my friends and enjoy bonding with them while drinking bottomless water, happy and confident as they for sure will notice how much more beautiful i have become. i will sleep soundly.... with less sounds from the snore. i will still drool at the Christmas feasts, but i will eat vicariously, happily remembering that i will reach my desired weight next year and will be able to work out more while i eat small portions of spaghetti. i shall revel and yell "Merry Christmas!" knowing that i have become wiser in choosing my food and food portions, and in feeling in my heart and soul what it is to be a temple of the Lord.

thank you God, for your gift of life! thank you for the things you allow us to enjoy! thank you for being my Prime Mover into the best version of me.

Maligayang Pasko!

Happiness

isang buwan ko palang natitikman uli ang kape na walang creamer or milk. minsan pagtapos ko magtimpla, bumalik ang mga masasayang alaala nang maamoy ko ang kape.

miss na miss ko ang luto ng nanay ko (who is now bedridden, yet still so blessed). lahat ng lutuin nya, masarap at masustansya. hindi siya gumagamit ng kahit na anong artificial na pampalasa hanggang naging medyo weak na sya and she had to resort to the chicken cubes.

we'd pick vegetables from our backyard and she would make the best inabraw with bagoong straight from ilocos. she'd cook adobo using pork so fresh, it would seem as if she interviewed the pig about its diet prior to slaughter. she would make fried chicken without breading - toyo and calamansi lang - ang never burnt, overcooked, or undercooked. her dinuguan was the best - parang vegetarian yung pinanggalingan ng dugo. and the best part of these all was, she would call us to dinner just as the food is cooked. bagong hango. oh how we'd slurp the inabraw broth which was our amuse bouche!

pag may okasyon, kambingan yun. she would call her nephews and brothers to bring a live kambing. sila mismo ang kakatay kasi mom is very particular with the manner. plenty a saturday morning i would wake up to the pleasant smell of goat being grilled! i would only go downstairs and into the backyard after i've matched the smells to the food in my mind, and as i go downstairs the images come to life - kaldereta, kilawin, sopas - ang sasarap lahat at walang anggo whatsoever!

ang unang una kong gagawin e mag safety sa tupperware at babaunin ko sa school kinalunesan. syempre pa-sikatan ng baon "ano'ng baon mo?" "hotdog" "fried chicken" at ako? "KAMBING!" hahahaha pinagtatawanan ako ng mga ignorante hah! walang humihingi ng baon ko burrrrrppppp. to this day i cannot find one place or person who can cook kambing like my mother did.

ay onga pala. yung kwento ng kape. homemade parin ng mommy! she made coffee out of roasted rice aysos walang katulad. yun ang lagi naming baon pag bumabyahe kami ng gabi aboard a farinas bus papuntang ilocos. ayaw ni mommy na sumakay ako ng six by six or maria de leon bus na hindi aircon. kaming dalawa lang ang nasa farinas. ayaw din nyang kumain kami kung saan saan twing stop over. she would bring adobong manok and rice, water, and... the rice coffee. she would store them in a thermos, timplado na ng asukal. as most of the passengers go down to eat, we would remain in the bus and devour our baon. ito na yata ang pinakamasarap na pagkain at pinakamagandang dining experience ko sa buong buhay ko.

susubuan pako ni mommy, she would insist kasi madudumihan daw kamay ko. hala dalaga nako nun a. no matter what age and size i've become, i was always her bunso.

kahit anong luto ko, hinding hindi ko mapaparisan ang luto ni mommy na may magic touch (yung hindi binubudbod). kahit yung mga luto nyang McGyver (tira tira na ginawang bago) ang sarap parin sobra. hindi marangya ang buhay namin, minsan pa nga tinatawag ko syang kuripot. pero eto, nakaratay si mommy pero she and dad did not leave us with debt. we live in a house that's fully-paid.

dati, pagkain ang kaligayahan ko. lalo't malungkot ako, ang lakas kong kumain. today, with our healthy lifestyle change, i realize that food has always been part of my happy times but the real happiness was times with loved ones. i am now one month into making more happy times like these.

i love you mommy. thank you for always being my happiness. thank you for cooking for me and making your food part of the memories. thank you that you're still here, reminding me of what true happiness is.

thank you God, for giving me strength and wisdom to eat like i never used to, so that now my eyes are opened to the true sources of my happiness.