eating vicariously

we received our first two Christmas gifts! one was 3 blouses and a bag and i excitedly tried the blouses on. perfect! the other one came with other gifts that were for my in-laws. mine was a bottle of spices na dadagdagan nalang ng vinegar for a fabulous homemade spiced vinegar. for my in-laws, pulvoron and yema :)

i thought i felt okay upon receiving this second gift, pero after a few hours and into the night i suddenly felt an urge to cry. hindi ko alam kung bakit! nanonood pa ako ng comedy show nun a. i turned the TV off and went out of the room to the kitchen where the Hub was fabricating and weighing our meat supply for the next days. on his sympathetic "why?" i wanted to bawl, but i didn't know why so i felt silly letting it out.

today, i find out why. i was crying because i felt the deprivation of not receiving the pastry gifts that i saw along with our second gift, the one for my in-laws. when my hub said "no, that's for mom and tita", i said "oh okay!" yun pala i was hurt. today, with a clearer mind and a much lesser craving (i received the second gift near evening time, the time most of my cravings happen), i realize that there's another hurdle - the depression of not being able to eat goody gifts.

in the past holidays, i would look forward to these gifts and devour them the moment i received them (well, the good ones hehe). i felt so loved by the givers and i felt so important. gifts of food were valuable to me and i would be so happy to receive them and eat them. my Christmas was made happy with these goodies.

the Hub and i made our Christmas festivity plans early. we would choose which Christmas parties we would attend so that we won't have to eat so much so often. we accepted the fact that we would eat some bawal na food, but we are realistic to say that we would watch our portions, not eat pork, eat lean meat, balance our meals, and work out after a relatively hefty meal. by relatively we mean allowing ourselves about 100 grams more than what we usually eat since the healthy lifestyle change. we both declare a bawal food that we would allow ourselves to eat during our two-day anniversary celebration next month - mine are tofu chips from Chimara which i love especially while watching movies ("i will buy the medium pack and munch while walking at Ayala Triangle) and hopia from goldilocks.

happily, Hub and i would have these conversations. we had a good plan!

i also advised friends not to gift me with cookies or pastries, but Sarsi light and small washington apples.

pero bakit ako naiyak when we received the 2nd gift? .... i realize that it's the reality that Christmas celebration won't be the same for me anymore.

pero, nahimasmasan na ako ;)

indeed, Christmas won't be the same for me from now on. on this occasion, one of only two which i am OA about and make a big deal of,  i will no longer associate the celebration with overindulgence. i will count my blessings loudly, and with no constipation, dizziness, or discomfort. as i watch the fireworks i shall stare at my feet which i am now able to see in full while standing. i will jump and dance without fear of arthritis. i shall laugh with my friends and enjoy bonding with them while drinking bottomless water, happy and confident as they for sure will notice how much more beautiful i have become. i will sleep soundly.... with less sounds from the snore. i will still drool at the Christmas feasts, but i will eat vicariously, happily remembering that i will reach my desired weight next year and will be able to work out more while i eat small portions of spaghetti. i shall revel and yell "Merry Christmas!" knowing that i have become wiser in choosing my food and food portions, and in feeling in my heart and soul what it is to be a temple of the Lord.

thank you God, for your gift of life! thank you for the things you allow us to enjoy! thank you for being my Prime Mover into the best version of me.

Maligayang Pasko!