Eureka

Am on day 3 of our Cohen diet and i believe am adjusting well :) have had headaches due to other reasons since the middle of last week and the headaches are aggravated on day 1 by hunger (for the food i used to divulge in) and pagka-bigla ng katawan kasi i ate all the food i would miss a day before Cohen hehe.

i wanted to cry every time Hubby would ask "are you okay?" or "how are you feeling?", actually i wanted to bawl and ask why... why.. why... does food make us fat?!!! and why do these skinnies eat what they want and stay the way they are? oo na, exercise and a balanced diet, pero... and hirap kaya!

watching the biggest loser gave me hope, yes, pero i can't help but think na if i had a cook at my command to just whip up a balanced meal everyday for me, if i had no social life and no income to worry about, if all i did every single day was eat a balanced meal, be with my co-obese, and work-out hours upon hours, and if money was at stake, i indeed would lose weight as successfully and as quickly as the contestants.

pero maintaining the weight in the absence of camp is the real challenge.when out in the usual world and being part of it for daily grind, things are 180degree-different.

last night, me and the hub were watching HEAVY on AXN and beyond. there were no prizes at stake and there were just two subjects, a 19 year old male and a slightly older female. the camp was in south carolina. each related their own stories about the probable causes of their food addiction. johnny, the 19 year old college sophomore whose starting weight is 400kg+ is an adopted child. he was given up for adoption at age 3 and he always had questions in his mind as to why his biological parents didn't want him. the anger resulted in seeking consolation in food. soon enough he connected every emotion to food. sabi ko, ay, di naman ako relate dito. di naman ako adopted at naghahanap ng biological parents.

jill is a married teacher who longs to conceive, but is unable to because of her weight (started at 300kg+).  e lalong hindi ako maka relate dito sabi ko. but when the rest of her story unfolded, i saw myself in her. jill hid food in her cabinet so no one could see her eat her junk food and sweets.

i had a eureka moment - after practically a lifetime of being obese, i finally knew what may have caused my food addiction and my relation to food with every emotion and every occasion.

i was not very overweight as a child. looking at my pictures until i was in early college, i didn't look huge. in the early 80s, i wasn't fat at all. i even saw that i was not fat when i joined my first showband in the mid 1990s. pero all my life....ALL my life... i've been called fat, naiwan sa kusina, healthy, malusog... a relative even named a pig in his pen after my full name - ANNA IRENE. yes manong tony, masakit parin hanggang ngayon.

ang pinakamasakit, mga close relatives ko mismo ang walang patumal na nakakasakit sakin. during reunions i would always receive a "ano'ng nangyari sa yo?" and that "naiwan sa kusina" thing. i was called many names for fat. one close relative would ask for a bite off my burger, then get a big bite (she almost choked) just so i would eat less. this same relative would say lovingly "pahingeee" when i bring junk food into my room, pero what she really meant was "let me see what you've got, babawasan ko yan". this same person conspired frequently with other relatives, with my friends, and with doctors to influence me to lose weight. i did not see love, i saw that i was taken for a fool. hayyy, the pain pain pain of not being given food by friends this person conspired with, with being emotionally blackmailed into losing weight, with being humiliated by doctors to lose weight (well, i felt humiliated), the memory of fainting in mercury drug in front of makati med due to abrupt weight loss from dr. villadolid's recos and meds.  i kept to myself during these times because the only thing i knew to feel was pain and the only think i knew to know was that i was fat and no good, that if i remained fat, i would lose loved ones, that if i remained the way i looked, i would get nowhere in life (an actual verbatim from a close relative). even if these people kept telling me they were just concerned, i did not see that at all.

so i hid in my room with more and more food. i realize now that this is where my addiction to chips began. i lived my life proving to these people and to the people whom i knew would have immediate judgment on me because of my weight, that i can achieve while being fat. i worked really really hard, earned my keep. i gained a lot of friends who liked me for who i was, because i was too helpful, too generous, too kind. i did exceptional in school. i rose up the ranks in my writing career until i reached vice presidency. i conquered my performance standards - i sang in a showband showing much skin and suggestive songs being my signature. i attracted a flock of male admirers. see... i unconsciously told those relatives, househelps, and tricycle and jeepney drivers who mocked me....i'm an achiever even if i'm fat. what happened to all of you and where are you now?

my cardiologist was no help either. he said that my only hope was bariatric surgery. true maybe, pero doc, bakit si ricky rivero mataba na uli? instead of giving me hope i felt hopeless after that visit. i cried my eyes out.

to cope with growing obesity, i used humor. food was my best friend because i unconsciously felt that it's okay to be fat especially that i've proven the mockers wrong.

the trouble is, i became addicted to food. no amount would satisfy me in a day. when i earned my own keep, i bought the food i was deprived of.

so today, it's hardwork to go on a diet. extra difficult. very emotional. heart-wrenching.

pero God is my constant hope. he gave me my hubby - my support group in one. he sorted out my friends and gave me new ones - all of them looking at me for the beautiful person that i am. Hub asked me what my motivation was, his was good health. i realize that good health is a secondary motivation for me. i want to look good, fit into more clothes and shoes, play with my dog 'til she's had enough, walk walk and walk. i already fulfilled my hunger to be employed, loved, and respected at work. now i want my physical beauty to be most obvious.

parents, i plead with you to not "motivate" your obese children this way. encourage them and trust them with their thoughts and decisions - don't scheme and take them for fools. don't think for them or trust in your own timing and not God's. i know you love your kids, but my life experience is one proof that your love may be clouded by the pain from your good intentions.

kamag-anaks with relatives who are obese, please don't make fun of your fat relatives no matter how harmless the jokes may seem.

readers, please don't stereotype obesity with overeating, bad smells, laziness, or absence of success. it is not the truths but the effects of this immediate judgment that pains us.

so, shall this new diet plan be my ultimate victory in my battle of the bulge? maybe, maybe not. right now, i am happy that i have discovered the cause of my addiction, my trigger foods, and that i need strength that comes from God in this seemingly harmless, cute problem. will i still be hurt when friends tell me "pumayat ka na noon e. anon'ng nangyari nanaman?", maybe. but i will choose to see the concern behind my usual interpretation to pain.

will i forgive the ones who mocked me especially that uncle-of-my-Hub who, with his large eyes, shouted to my hubby (in a party, while eating lunch) "bakit di ka pumapayat?.... wag ka kasi kumain!", sabay walk out, or my parents-in-laws' friend who i met for the first time recently, who told his wife in the course of our conversation - "kaya hindi pumapayat yan, walang determinasyon".... maybe, pero forgiveness will take a longer, more painstaking process here. it is people like these, people with quick judgments and who i barely know, who especially make it difficult for me to lose weight - i feel that if i do lose weight, i'm doing them a favor.

please pray with me readers, eating less than what i've been used to all my life is a suffering i do not wish for all of you. please include me and my hubby in your daily prayers, that food become a supplement for us and not a primary source of happiness.

salamat po!