Scales

ang tagal nang walang weighing scale sa bahay. i am so petrified of it that when i settled in marriage, i intended to leave that old pink scale somewhere. i would look at it then, scared of the numbers that the spinning wheel would validate. yearly visits to the doc required weighing, and i would look up while i was being weighed, and would resent the doc's assistant when she announces my weight kahit ako lang nakakarinig. phobia, denial, at kung anu-ano pa. i've been imagining na mangyari sakin yung nasa pugad baboy na, when one of them stepped onto a talking scale, it said "one at a time please..." hahahahaah

eto na. our diet requires that we weigh our meat and vegetables. inaykupowwww THAT LIMITING SCALE!!! ayaw!! pero now, on day 6 of our diet, i have come to love that food scale ;) as a matter of fact, because i've been feeling lighter, i'm planning to buy a bathroom scale and conquer my denials.

the hub and i went grocery shopping for our outreach donations today. going in sumalubong kagad sakin ang cake display at roasted chicken. i smiled :) further and up the escalator, peanuts, pizza, soft ice cream, ngiti parin ako. inside the grocery store, chips, chocolates.... ang saya saya ha. hindi kaya ako maglaway at magwala dito?

surprisingly and with God's grace, hindi ako naglaway :) there was no desire whatsoever to purchase my usual goodies or to take even a small bite. this was also the first time that we went out of the house and did not eat out, na wala kaming inuwing pagkain for the road and for watching TV later in the house. parang si apostle Paul pala, nalaglag din ang scales sa mata namin. we have come to realize that food is good, but we don't need to eat all the time the way we used to. we don't need pala food to make us happy. food is sustenance, pero hindi pala ito parang kaluluwa na dapat laging kasama ng katawan para mabuhay.

Hubby and i still feel happy whenever we eat, masarap pa rin sya magluto ng required food namin :) nililipat parin namin ang channel when the TV shows feature our trigger foods or when we know na that first surge of drool is making its way through our system.

we look forward to the day when we can eat whatever we want na and automatically control our portions. when we can eat all kinds of food and not abuse it. when we are lighter enough para we can work out and burn the small portions of all kinds of food.

when i will not look forward to attending weddings for the cake, watching TV for the chips, watching movies for the popcorn, going to funerals  for the juice and nuts, going to the grocery store for the merienda after, going to children's parties for the loot bag of candies, Varekai for the hotdog intermission, and church for the hearty lunch after.

hayyyyy mahirap mahirap! buti nalang may Diyos. thank you God, for the scales you took away when i was scared of them, returned because it would help us with our diet, and removed from my eyes when temptations faced me.

Eureka

Am on day 3 of our Cohen diet and i believe am adjusting well :) have had headaches due to other reasons since the middle of last week and the headaches are aggravated on day 1 by hunger (for the food i used to divulge in) and pagka-bigla ng katawan kasi i ate all the food i would miss a day before Cohen hehe.

i wanted to cry every time Hubby would ask "are you okay?" or "how are you feeling?", actually i wanted to bawl and ask why... why.. why... does food make us fat?!!! and why do these skinnies eat what they want and stay the way they are? oo na, exercise and a balanced diet, pero... and hirap kaya!

watching the biggest loser gave me hope, yes, pero i can't help but think na if i had a cook at my command to just whip up a balanced meal everyday for me, if i had no social life and no income to worry about, if all i did every single day was eat a balanced meal, be with my co-obese, and work-out hours upon hours, and if money was at stake, i indeed would lose weight as successfully and as quickly as the contestants.

pero maintaining the weight in the absence of camp is the real challenge.when out in the usual world and being part of it for daily grind, things are 180degree-different.

last night, me and the hub were watching HEAVY on AXN and beyond. there were no prizes at stake and there were just two subjects, a 19 year old male and a slightly older female. the camp was in south carolina. each related their own stories about the probable causes of their food addiction. johnny, the 19 year old college sophomore whose starting weight is 400kg+ is an adopted child. he was given up for adoption at age 3 and he always had questions in his mind as to why his biological parents didn't want him. the anger resulted in seeking consolation in food. soon enough he connected every emotion to food. sabi ko, ay, di naman ako relate dito. di naman ako adopted at naghahanap ng biological parents.

jill is a married teacher who longs to conceive, but is unable to because of her weight (started at 300kg+).  e lalong hindi ako maka relate dito sabi ko. but when the rest of her story unfolded, i saw myself in her. jill hid food in her cabinet so no one could see her eat her junk food and sweets.

i had a eureka moment - after practically a lifetime of being obese, i finally knew what may have caused my food addiction and my relation to food with every emotion and every occasion.

i was not very overweight as a child. looking at my pictures until i was in early college, i didn't look huge. in the early 80s, i wasn't fat at all. i even saw that i was not fat when i joined my first showband in the mid 1990s. pero all my life....ALL my life... i've been called fat, naiwan sa kusina, healthy, malusog... a relative even named a pig in his pen after my full name - ANNA IRENE. yes manong tony, masakit parin hanggang ngayon.

ang pinakamasakit, mga close relatives ko mismo ang walang patumal na nakakasakit sakin. during reunions i would always receive a "ano'ng nangyari sa yo?" and that "naiwan sa kusina" thing. i was called many names for fat. one close relative would ask for a bite off my burger, then get a big bite (she almost choked) just so i would eat less. this same relative would say lovingly "pahingeee" when i bring junk food into my room, pero what she really meant was "let me see what you've got, babawasan ko yan". this same person conspired frequently with other relatives, with my friends, and with doctors to influence me to lose weight. i did not see love, i saw that i was taken for a fool. hayyy, the pain pain pain of not being given food by friends this person conspired with, with being emotionally blackmailed into losing weight, with being humiliated by doctors to lose weight (well, i felt humiliated), the memory of fainting in mercury drug in front of makati med due to abrupt weight loss from dr. villadolid's recos and meds.  i kept to myself during these times because the only thing i knew to feel was pain and the only think i knew to know was that i was fat and no good, that if i remained fat, i would lose loved ones, that if i remained the way i looked, i would get nowhere in life (an actual verbatim from a close relative). even if these people kept telling me they were just concerned, i did not see that at all.

so i hid in my room with more and more food. i realize now that this is where my addiction to chips began. i lived my life proving to these people and to the people whom i knew would have immediate judgment on me because of my weight, that i can achieve while being fat. i worked really really hard, earned my keep. i gained a lot of friends who liked me for who i was, because i was too helpful, too generous, too kind. i did exceptional in school. i rose up the ranks in my writing career until i reached vice presidency. i conquered my performance standards - i sang in a showband showing much skin and suggestive songs being my signature. i attracted a flock of male admirers. see... i unconsciously told those relatives, househelps, and tricycle and jeepney drivers who mocked me....i'm an achiever even if i'm fat. what happened to all of you and where are you now?

my cardiologist was no help either. he said that my only hope was bariatric surgery. true maybe, pero doc, bakit si ricky rivero mataba na uli? instead of giving me hope i felt hopeless after that visit. i cried my eyes out.

to cope with growing obesity, i used humor. food was my best friend because i unconsciously felt that it's okay to be fat especially that i've proven the mockers wrong.

the trouble is, i became addicted to food. no amount would satisfy me in a day. when i earned my own keep, i bought the food i was deprived of.

so today, it's hardwork to go on a diet. extra difficult. very emotional. heart-wrenching.

pero God is my constant hope. he gave me my hubby - my support group in one. he sorted out my friends and gave me new ones - all of them looking at me for the beautiful person that i am. Hub asked me what my motivation was, his was good health. i realize that good health is a secondary motivation for me. i want to look good, fit into more clothes and shoes, play with my dog 'til she's had enough, walk walk and walk. i already fulfilled my hunger to be employed, loved, and respected at work. now i want my physical beauty to be most obvious.

parents, i plead with you to not "motivate" your obese children this way. encourage them and trust them with their thoughts and decisions - don't scheme and take them for fools. don't think for them or trust in your own timing and not God's. i know you love your kids, but my life experience is one proof that your love may be clouded by the pain from your good intentions.

kamag-anaks with relatives who are obese, please don't make fun of your fat relatives no matter how harmless the jokes may seem.

readers, please don't stereotype obesity with overeating, bad smells, laziness, or absence of success. it is not the truths but the effects of this immediate judgment that pains us.

so, shall this new diet plan be my ultimate victory in my battle of the bulge? maybe, maybe not. right now, i am happy that i have discovered the cause of my addiction, my trigger foods, and that i need strength that comes from God in this seemingly harmless, cute problem. will i still be hurt when friends tell me "pumayat ka na noon e. anon'ng nangyari nanaman?", maybe. but i will choose to see the concern behind my usual interpretation to pain.

will i forgive the ones who mocked me especially that uncle-of-my-Hub who, with his large eyes, shouted to my hubby (in a party, while eating lunch) "bakit di ka pumapayat?.... wag ka kasi kumain!", sabay walk out, or my parents-in-laws' friend who i met for the first time recently, who told his wife in the course of our conversation - "kaya hindi pumapayat yan, walang determinasyon".... maybe, pero forgiveness will take a longer, more painstaking process here. it is people like these, people with quick judgments and who i barely know, who especially make it difficult for me to lose weight - i feel that if i do lose weight, i'm doing them a favor.

please pray with me readers, eating less than what i've been used to all my life is a suffering i do not wish for all of you. please include me and my hubby in your daily prayers, that food become a supplement for us and not a primary source of happiness.

salamat po!

Sa Iyo, Bilas Kong Hilaw

I am so happy for you, for the weight you lost in camp! Congratulations!

Congratulations for your achievements beyond weight loss, Eboy.

Probably, like me, humor has been your cushion for the demeaning looks, insults, snickers, discrimination, unacceptance, and rejections in your life. Probably, like me, you have had to struggle to turn your back to violence so you may get back at those who have less in life but feel licensed to hurl insults at you just because you are fat. Like me, you may have had to cry alone, making sure no one was looking, so that self-pity will not pile above the insecurity that you already have.

Madalas mo din bang marinig sa mga family reunions ang "O, ano'ng nangyari sa yo? Napabayaan ka ba sa kusina?" ? Nag aral ka rin bang mabuti para masagot mo sila ng "At least may laman ang kusina namin!" ? Tuwing may long lost friend ka bang nagtatanong na "O, kumusta na weight mo?", sinasagot mo ba siya na "Eto, name maintain ko naman..." para magtawanan nalang kayo kasi mataba ka parin? Kunwari nalang ba hindi mo naririnig yung mga tawanan ng driver ng jeep, o hindi mo nalang pinapansin na nagpapalipat lipat ka ng tricycle kasi tinatanggihan ka sa pila? Do you make "fat" jokes para maunahan mo nalang yung mga alam mong gusto nang pansinin at husgahan ang kakaiba mong hitchura?

Hindi ako sang-ayon sa analysis ng mga kasamahan mo sa BLPE that whenever you joke around, you are not taking weight loss and the camp seriously. Siguradong mahal ka nila, pero sa tingin ko, hindi nila alam na humor has been a coping device, and without it, vengeance may have been your staple. Siguro pala-away tayo kung hindi tayo marunong tumawa at magpatawa. Siguro naging mapang-husga na tayo sa lahat ng mga taong mababa ang tingin sa matataba.

Kitang-kita sa iyo, that the love of God has made you confident. That you remember that He looks at the heart and not what is immediately visible to the human eye. You have the Holy Spirit indwelling in you, because you have come to love yourself despite your circumstances. I know that God will continue to use the charm, wit, and sense of humor that He gave you, so that you may look at the world in His eyes, and you may look at yourself in His love. 

Eboy, bilas kong hilaw, sabay nating ipagdasal ang addiction natin sa pagkain. God can lift this from us so He may use us for His purposes. In the meantime, let us keep taking life seriously - with laughter.

Mabuhay ka!

Mga Masasayang Pagkahilo

I was very pleased to have had the chance to see Varekai recently. The hub and I decided to have early dinner at nearby Manila Hotel.

In fairness, hindi na luma at may punit ang uniform ng mga sumalubong sa amin sa pinto. Parang nagbago narin ang staff sa Café Ilang Ilang.  The café was spruced up din. Hindi na rickety ang mga chairs. Maaliwalas na rin at may mga bagong furniture. Malakas narin ang aircon.

Di gaya ng dati though, a hostess did not meet us at the entrance. We went walking inward with not one soul to assist us. So we wandered into the café choosing a table. We sat on the one nearest the pool area.

We had to call a server to get a menu, and we smelled our server about 10 feet away – he was reeking of cologne na parang... uy... parang ilang ilang. Agk ahkkk….. tawagin ka nalang namin pag ready na kami umorder. Parang lumabo kasi bigla ang letra ng menu at umabot sa utak yung amoy ng pabango mo chong - was what I was tempted to say. Gusto ko pa sanang nguyain ang buong menu at pumili leisurely, but… “caesar salad and hamburger, medium well. Game!”. Hub had the pancit canton.

Eto na. In the familiar Manila Hotel fashion, ang tagaaaaaaal dumating ng order. Naluma yung usual na “kinakatay pa ba yung baka?”- sa sobrang gutom at inip ko feeling ko nagliligawan palang yung nanay at tatay nung baka na ipapanganak, palalakihin, at kakatayin. Yung pansit ni hub feeling ko dinadasalan pa yung arina na hahaluan ng tubig at itlog, mamasahin at gagawing noodles. Yung caesar salad? Hala out of town si mang cesar. Tatawagin ko sana si server namin para magpa una muna ng tinapay pero… wag na nga’t baka lalo akong mahilo. Deadly ang kumbinasyong gutom at pabango meyng.

Kaya pinagtripan muna namin ang lugar at ang menu.

Tamang-tama ang pangalan nila dahil ilang-ilang minu-minuto nalang hihimatayin nako sa gutom

Itong isa sa mga bagong muwebles na ito caught my eye. Saktong pang barkada. Naka elevate ang couches into bar level, kaya pag may punit ang pantalon mo wag ka na. Matutuluyan ang punit at magiging paldang may slit ang suot mo.

Simple lang ang table setting. Nagandahan ako sa water glasses (yang pamilya na naka "da who" sa pic ng glasses e keeeee iingay! sabi nga ng irog ko e kapalaran ko talaga ang matabi sa maiingay twing kakain sa labas).

Sabay-sabay dumating ang food (pati tinapay). Ang sarap nung caesar's salad, pero di gaya ng dati, wala nang anchovies. Masarap din yung hamburger pero hindi juicy at pareho sila ng temperature nung salad :( Malambot at mainit yung dinner rolls (inupakan namin at humingi pa ng dagdag, pero yung dagdag wala nang kasamang butter pffft). Yung pansit ni irog, di ko na pinakailaman at kapyangot lang. Pero masarap daw.

.

Buti nalang nakasabit sa tenga at nakabuhol sa batok ang ngiti ko dahil manonood kami ng bonggang sirko. 

Um-order si irog ng halu-halo nung kumakain sya. Ako, nag decide akong gusto ko rin pala ng halu halo nung patapos na kami kumain. Sabay parin dumating halu-halo namin. Yung nga lang, yung isa parang me bayolet na gatas ang yung isa e me ube ice cream. Yung traditional Pinoy halu-halo na may buong yelo, kuhang kuha ng Cafe Ilang Ilang. Uric acid delight ang halu halo kasi puro beans. Walang saging kainis. Pero masarap parin.

 Ang masaya, may 20% discount sa mga manonood ng Varekai :) Pagbayad namin (nang nakangiti), off we went to the tents. Ito lang ang picture namin doon dahil sumusunod kami sa batas at hindi matitigas ulo namin. Sinabi nang no pictures sa loob e lekat andaming pasaway hehe.

The show was spectacular, like nothing I've ever seen! Nahilu-hilo ako sa matataas na pagsisirko pero... mas nakakahilo parin ang pabango ni manong!

Tekalang, Ginoong Saret

Parang lumihis po yata kayo sa papel ninyo bilang tagapagbigay-sigla sa mga nais magbagong-buhay.

Yours is the precious responsibility of inspiring these hopefuls to push towards their goal and deny themselves their comforts and unhealthy habits. As a morbidly obese person, i have a good idea what this physically and emotionally entails. These admirable individuals have created their coping device - friendship - to alleviate the suffering they undergo. Imagine their anguish when they have to choose whom to let go - anyone of them is a part of each other's lives. They do not deserve more emotional suffering from you.  Hindi madaling tumalun talon, tumakbo, magbuhat, lumihis sa kinasanayang pagkain. Dagdagan pa ba ng galit ninyo na walang ibang gagawin kundi pasamain ang loob nila? Ikakabuti ba ng kalusugan nila ang mga sinabi mo ginoong saret? Oo at kailangan silang itulak at pagalitan paminsan, pero this was not one of those cases sir.

You are entitled to your own feelings and thoughts, but as someone who the bigating pinoys look up to, your speech on what you suggest as a bad choice on eliminating joy over winwin was uncalled for.
Una na nga sa lahat, hindi mo na lugar para magbigay ng vocal na opinyon tungkol dito dahil hindi ikaw ang inatasang magdesisyon sa eliminations. Pangalawa, sa tingin ko'y hindi mali ang kanilang naging desisyon (and i'm not partial to either joy or winwin). Pangatlo at higit sa lahat, you have put winwin in an awkward, sensitive, hurtful position. There's a reason why the contestants themselves choose whom to eliminate, and you should not involve yourself in this. You should not show a tinge of partiality, no matter how valid your opinion of things are.

Halatang halata sa mukha mong hindi ma-ngiti ang ngitngit mo coach. Halata ding pinahirapan mo sila sa workout session nila pagkatapos ng speech mo. Punishment ba ito sa kanila? Bakit?

Please remember what you're there for. Alalahanin din po sana ninyo na hindi po tungkol sa inyo ang BLPE - hence, your opinions on how things should be are not necessarily norm. You are a conduit towards their goals, not a teacher with a whip na namamalo ng mga estudyanteng hindi sumang-ayon sa nasa isip mong dapat.

Pakiusap lang po, please mentor the bigatins in terms of weight loss and a healthier lifestyle. Please remember also that a healthier lifestyle does not only involve what they put in their mouths, but what they receive into their hearts and minds, and in this case, what they pick up from their mentors while in camp.

Dalawang Dekada Paatras

Pag sa gitna ng iyong pagsha shopping e parang biglang gusto mong bumili ng gel at maghanap ng pantalon na baston, o di kaya e mag warmers at magsuot ng headband sa noo...... tapos maya maya may naririnig kang Axel F.... wag kang mag-alala, di ka nabu buang. Papalapit ka lang nang papalapit sa House of Minis sa Shoppesville, Greenhills!

Of the other House of Minis outlets, this one takes you back to the 80s all the way. Kulang nalang katabi mong kumakain si Michael J. Fox. Feeling ko high school ako na may pera - sarap!

Pagpasok namin sa resto, ang diliiiiiim. Reminds me of Tia Maria in Makati Avenue during my decade of Zombie and cheese dips, na bawal umuwi nang hindi laseng o nag iwan ng alaala sa cr. Tamang-tama ang dilim noon kasi estudyante pa ako't hindi maka bihis ng "civilian" bago makipag inuman sa publiko. Pero andalas namin doon  (wowww let's go to Tia paaaaaare [at puro babae kami ha] there's a new drink Chi Chi)... sabay sakay ng jeep ngyahahaha ingles nang ingles wala naman palang kotse pwe! hahahahaha.

Pero teka, hindi naman kailangang patago ang pagpunta sa steakhouse na ito, bakit andilim? Pagpasok namin parang nakakatakot pumunta ng cr kasi baka pagbukas mo ng pinto may sumalubong sa yong kabayo....

Ahh..,, kaya pala. E pano mangingibabaw ang Christmas lights kung maliwanag? At pake natin kung gusto nilang pasko buong taon? Yung 1980s nga nadala nila sa 2011 e. At baket, munisipyo lang ba ng Mandaluyong ang pwedeng mag Christmas decor year round?

Habang kumakanta ang The Rah Band ng Sorry Doesn't Make It Anymore e binabasa ko na ang menu (na syempre di ko mabasa kasi.....hulaan moooooo). Tinawag ko na ang waiter. In fairness pati waiter 80s na 80s ha - dalawang dekada nalang 80s na sya. Pero wag mo isnabin, kitang-kita parin nya kung saan ilalagay ang gravy kahit na madilim.

Napansin nyo ba yung chaleko (bawal ang vest at hindi 80s yun) at yung kurtina? O..... sa kulay lang nagkaiba diba. Kayanin mo din yung alternate green and red table cloths - matching sa Christmas lights.

Nangingilo na ang ngipin ko sa synthesizer at claps ni Harold Faltermeyer nang ilabas na ang steak namin. Nauna kasi ang pagkasarap sarap na mainit na tinapay at sopas na.... na.... na parang nilagang papel na may konting gatas (ng kabayo?!!!). Buti nalang bottomless ang Knorr seasoning at paminta.

May salad din pala ang steak meal. Simple green salad lang na me hundred island dressing (thousand island ka jan e ketchup at mayonnaise yung nakapatong sa gulay).

Nung nakita na ni manong este ingkong na ubos na ang tinapay sopas at salad namin (reklamo nang reklamo uubusin naman pala), sinenyasan na nya ang cook na lutuin na ang aming tenderloin and porterhouse steaks. Ako, simple lang ang requirement ko sa steak - malambot at hindi bulok. My tenderloin was delicious! Really tender and tasty, and the gravy was complementary. Ingkong is nice to remind you to cover your face with the napkin as he pours the gravy for a sizzling plate.My hubby's porterhouse was also good - judging from the fact that again, I did not come around to trying it hehehe. The corn and potato sidings were perfect! May sayote pa! :)

We ordered more bread to mop up the gravy :)

The meal comes with free dessert. And just when I thought they'd take the easy route and bring a 21st century dessert...... out came

......mocha ice cream! Hindi namin malaman kung anong brand ito, my hubby was an ice cream flavor creator and tester at one of the most popular brands, but he's stumped! Sabi ko, ahhhh.... baka Presto ito hahahaha 80s parin! Ang sarap! Medyo katabi nga lang ata ng grill ang kinalalagyan dahil medyo mocha shake na hehe.

It was an awesome experience! How many times do I get to literally step back in time and stay there for hours? How many times do I get to reminisce my younger days of afternoon discos and singing whitney houston with huge karaoke machines with kweba-tic reverb while seemingly actually being there? How many times do I confirm that I was once young? :)

Hayyyy (with a huge smile and a burp)......!!

Mapunta Naman Tayo Sa Likod

In my line of work, I have sat down through some portions of the editing of my audio visual presentations. It is in these long-wait gruelling and attention-to-detail sessions that the good cuts during the shoot are compiled as raw material, in which the final materials are chosen and built into the presentation to create a smooth story. It takes weeks to edit a 7-minute material. Relative to the editing sessions of BLPEdition however, my experience is a walk in the park.

Imagine this. Ang Camera 1 susundan ang bawat galaw ng blue. Camera 2, sa red. Camera 3, wide shots. Camera 4, close-ups. Dahil reality show ito at walang script, the crew only has the structure dictate of the show as their guide. Anything is allowed to happen.

Ibig sabihin, tutok kiti tutok ang drama ng crew. Hindi pwedeng may ma-miss na eksena at baka TV-worthy.    

Ibig sabihin, halos walang tigil ang kuhaan ng eksena hangga't gising ang mga Bigating Pinoy.

Ibig sabihin, napakaraming footages nito. Sandamakmak ang pagpipiliang mga eksena na gagawing 30-minute show. Dapat makapigil hininga at entertaining. Dapat malaman. At pagtapos ng isang edit, may apat pang gagawin kasi 5 times a week ang programa.

Ibig sabihin.........matindi ang direktor at editor ng show na ito. Namamakyaw sila ng pasensya sa lahat ng tindahan hanggat wala ka nang mabili. Paldu paldo ang experience ng dalawang ito sa larangan ng telebisyon o pelikula.

At sa kanilang lahat sa likod ng kamera, bawal ang tamad at quick fixer. Mukhang masisigawan ang bebegel begel. Bawal ang antukin.  Bawal magkasakit. Hindi magtatagal ang burara. Hindi pwede ang pwede na.

Kaya kasing taas ng respeto ko sa mga Bigating Pinoy na naghuhumingal para mas mapabuti ang kanilang mga buhay ang pagpupugay ko sa mga nasa likod ng pagkabuo ng bawat episode ng BLPE. Isa sila sa mga grupo ng mga tao na nagpapatunay ng tindi ng pagbibigay ng biyayang-talino at lakas ng Diyos.

Kaya sa Biggest Loser Pinoy Edition production team, Mabuhay! Naway patuloy na makita sa bawat episode ng BLPE ang inyong pagmamahal sa inyong sining!